A View From Midway Up 5

Let's talk sexual intimacy!

I have thought long and hard about this next installment. It's an uncomfortable topic for many, and it causes many to squirm a little. The world we live in doesn't hesitate to debase our sexuality to fill an agenda of oversexualized, perversity. The world would fill our minds with inappropriate, explicit images and messages at every turn, and yet, the righteous seem to hesitate far too often to share this topic in a reverent and sacred way. I feel as a religious culture we ought to do more to talk about this subject matter in the manner in which it ought to be talked about--with rejoicing in the gift that Heavenly Father has given us. When the world shows us examples that are contrary to the commandments of God, we ought to show examples of loving relationships that thrive within the bounds that the Lord has set.

There are many great books on the topic of intimacy and they are filled with scripture references. The subject matter is vast and so for the sake of time, I'll just refer my readers to those books and meanwhile I will give an accounting of tips and tricks that I have found to be most helpful, and my target audience is for young married couples in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because that is my experience. Although, these tips are universal for all who desire to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship within the bounds of marriage.

#43 From early ages, I teach my kids about sexuality according to their age level and questioning depth. I answer their questions until they are satisfied and I try to keep it appropriate to their age. If a child asks something that I don't think they are quite old enough to understand, I will say something along the lines of, "I am so glad that you asked that question and I want to answer it when you turn eight years old. When you turn eight, I will tell you all about a wonderful gift that Heavenly Father gives husbands and wives. I am excited to tell you about it." I try to keep it very positive. Then, when they are eight years old, I tell them.

#44 The conversation when they are eight is a positive one. With the oldest, it was just me and him in the room. I asked him if he knew how babies were made and if he had ever heard what the word sex meant. Remember that my kids all know the word sex, because I tell them from very young ages that if they hear sex, race, gender, or family from someone other than myself or JM, I want to know about it, but they don't necessarily know what that word means until they are eight. We started the conversation with a prayer and then I told him about one of the greatest gifts that Heavenly Father has given married couples, it has many names: sex, making love, intercourse, but they are all talking about the expression of love. All of those words refer to how babies are made, but also it is how husbands and wives show each other that they love each other. It bonds a married couple together and sets that relationship apart from any other relationship. Then, I matter-of-factly tell them the basics of what sex is. I ask them if they have any questions and we talk about it. The goal is to be open and honest without being graphic or embarrassed. Keep it light and positive, emphasize how wonderful it is that husbands and wives have a special way of expressing love to each other and that it is good with God. 

#45 Like I said in #44, when Joshua turned eight it was just me and him in the room. When the other kids turned eight, I had the impression to have the older kids who already knew about sex join in on the conversation. Doing it this way helped the eight year old feel more comfortable and open to asking questions, it also served as an opportunity for the older kids to ask any questions that they may have. It helps them recognize that they can come to you with any and all questions, nothing is off limits. I don't get embarrassed and I certainly try to not make them feel uncomfortable or ashamed by their questions. If they receive incorrect information from another source, or they are struggling with something they are ashamed of, I want them to seek me out for help and guidance. Use these conversations to show that you can be trusted with their sensitive, inner-most thoughts.

#46 Sexual intimacy between married couples can be very complex and challenging at times. Men and women are made SO differently. Communicate with each other. This took me a long time to do comfortably. I had no problem communicating during the act, but during other times, I used to find it difficult to talk about without feeling embarrassed. I think we had been married for 7 years before I could talk about it with my husband without blushing. I'm not proud of that, haha. Communicate about what you like and don't like. Communicate about how you are feeling things are working out for you in the bedroom. Communicate about when you're in the mood for intimacy and when you're not. Be understanding of your spouses point of view. While sex can be complex and certainly there is a learning curve, sex is the MOST bonding experience and the MOST loving experience a marriage can have. The growing together, the learning together, the enjoyment and complexities and complications together, that's all part of what binds the marriage. It's what makes sex beautifully intimate. So, communicate together.

My wise dad once told an inexperienced newly wed couple (spoiler alert--it was us) that sex at 25 wasn't as good as sex at 40. He was right! We have grown together. And, while we have always enjoyed our intimate relationship, there's no comparison what we enjoy today. But, the relationship we enjoy today is a tapestry made from experience, growth, communication and love all woven together to form something truly beautiful. 

#47 Men, pay attention to your wife's cycle. Women are biologically so different. We are divinely made the way we are, so learn to tune into our differences. It is prudent to understand that your wife will not always "be in the mood". Many factors play into whether or not she is ready to be one with you physically. Kids, chores, mood--all play a factor, but often times, the time of the month is the biggest factor. Pay attention to it. Quality love making is better than quantity. Be patient with her cycle and understand that she needs more days in-between than you do. 

Likewise, women, learn to understand that men are created differently. They want it more often than you do, a man's self-esteem is closely tied to what happens in the bedroom. Be sensitive to his needs. Give "presents" occasionally to help even out the balance. Be present in those "presents", give them out of love for your husband. 

Women are naturally the nurturers in most families. It is a divine spiritual gift. The bedroom is where good men learn how to nurture. A good man will cradle his wife with his love. She will feel protected in her vulnerability by his masculine, gentle, patient ways. If he spends the time nurturing her, she will be more open to being physical with him, which leads us into the next tip.

#48 Be patient! Love-making is an art of expression. It's said that while men may be a microwave, women are an oven. Spend time together before hand unwinding and expressing love. A woman is more ready to give of herself physically once she has felt that you have spent the time emotionally with her. If her emotions are not ready, chances are she is not ready. Give her a massage, play with her hair, ask her what she needs before you get started. Ask her how she would like to proceed. In many instances, she has just dealt with putting the kids to bed or finished her daily chores. She may need more time just talking and unwinding before she is ready to "flip the switch" to wife mode. Be patient!

#49 Stay flirty and fun. Throughout the day, send text messages that are flirty and fun. It helps your spouse know that you're thinking of them and that you desire them. My kids know not to go into mom and dad's text strand, because that text strand is meant for our eyes only.   

#50 Avoid causing someone to have "Good Girl Syndrome" (or good boy syndrome in some cases). We are told for so long in our youth (in the church culture--not in the world) to be a good girl, a chaste girl. The topic of chastity is so important for our youth to understand, internalize, and practice. However, if this subject matter is done in a way that emphasizes sex as being against the commandments, without equally putting emphasis on the goodness of intimate acts done within the bounds that the Lord has set, well-meaning adults might accidentally send the message that sex is bad. After temple marriage, oftentimes young women have a difficult time shifting gears from "sex is bad" to "now I am supposed to enjoy this, but somehow I feel guilty about it". I have had this mindset myself from time to time. The church doesn't spell out what is right and what is wrong in the bedroom. The Brethren leave that to the couples to pray about and figure out together. What do we know? Well, we know that both partners need to feel comfortable with the acts. We know that nothing should abuse, or degrade either partner. We know that pornography is not ok. We know that we must be legally and lawfully married. We know that we must be loyal to our spouse, no adultery or lustful thoughts or actions of any kind. But, sex is ultimately meant to bring husband and wife closer together. It's meant to be fun, not boring. It's meant to cause rejoicing, not feelings of guilt. When talking about intimacy with your children or with others, keep it positive and phrase your conversations in a happy way. 

#51 Pray about your sexual relationship. This took me awhile to do. It felt weird to pray about something such as the act of marriage. But, Heavenly Father made your body, it was He that gave you these procreative powers. He knows all things already, so pray to Him to bless your physical union as well as your spiritual and emotional union. If things are complicated, ask Him for help. If you're feeling frustrated, talk to your spouse and talk to your Father. Thank Him for this blessing, and ask Him to guide you in the process. The act of marriage is blessed by God. There is nothing shameful about being passionate with your spouse. There is nothing shameful about enjoying one another's bodies and loving each other in the way your were created to love each other.

#52 Try new things in the bedroom and let the Spirit be your guide. I'll just leave that at that.

#53 Speak highly of your spouse to others. Let others know that you love being married and that marriage is a blessed gift. Society has put-down marriage for so long. I really don't like how it is portrayed. I have never once regretted being married. It is such a wonderful thing to be married. Help others see how blessed you feel by your union, do this for many reasons, one of them being an effort to drown out negative voices in the world. Another being a way to build up your spouse and help others see that you are on each other's team. It may be you and your spouse against the world, but as long as you're in it together, you can take it on. 

#54 Help others feel comfortable coming to you if they need help. Some may feel alone and may not know where to go for help. Because our religious culture is so iffy on talking about it, someone may be struggling and feel like no one else has had a similar struggle. If that person feels comfortable talking to you, you can guide them to the right sources. 

#55 Speaking of sources, here are some books that I'd highly recommend reading. 

• The Act of Marriage by: Tim and Beverly LaHaye. I haven't read this book since Jon Mark and I were engaged so I don't remember everything in it. But, I remember it being a great resource for two virgins. We read it together a week before we got married.
• And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment by: Laura M. Brotherson. This book was amazing. I LOVED this book. It is written by a woman for women primarily. It helped me understand how women and men are different and how what we do in the bedroom is not something to feel guilty about. It is written from a religious stand point and I loved this book. 
• The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by: Dr. Laura. This book should be read by every woman. I read it when I first got married and it really helped shape my views on marriage and understanding masculinity within marriage. I cannot say enough good things about this book. And if you're thinking, "Well, he needs to read a book about the proper care and feeding of wives", I'd say, don't let pride get in the way of helping you become an even better wife. When a woman properly nurtures her man, he will nurture his woman. It is very cyclical. Dr. Laura also has a book about the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, but I have not read that yet.
•  BETWEEN HUSBAND & WIFE. by Stephen E. Lamb and Douglas E. Brinley. I have not read this book recently, but I think I remember it being good. ;)

See? This topic isn't hard to talk about. If you have any questions, I am open to having a discussion. I wish everyone a happy intimate marriage! 

 

A View From Mid Way Up 4

 Welcome to my fourth installment of advice. Today we will focus on child-rearing.

#31 Joseph Smith taught the Lord's way of exercising priesthood authority. D&C 121: 43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy. I find this to be excellent parenting advice. Your kids are going to make mistakes and need correction. Correcting bad behavior is a form of love. We only correct the behavior because we care about the child. However, correcting should be done in a spirit of tenderness and not out of anger. Sometimes this is really difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. It's best to take a moment to pause and take a deep breath before correcting so that you can be sure to do it for the right reasons. Afterwards, praise the child on what they do well, express to them the spiritual gifts that you've noticed that they possess, reassure them of how much you love them. If every correction was done with such meekness and love, think of how that child will remember you and the the parenting style they were able to witness!

#32 "Pause, take a deep breath and do the next right thing" Going along with #31, I've tried to get that phrase to be a catch phrase--something that I automatically say to give me a moment to solve the problem and to gather my thoughts. I also try to say it for my kids to hear in an effort to get them to take a moment to pause and reflect on the appropriate action to take going forward. I also tell my kids that this conflict has given them an opportunity to choose how they will respond. They have the choice to show an expression of love to their sibling, or they have the choice to act out as the natural man and react emotionally. Either way, their choice has a consequence. It can either be a consequence of solidifying the relationship and showing that the relationship is more important that the conflict, or the converse could be true. 

#33 Serve Jesus by serving others. For many years, every night at tuck-in I'd ask the kids how they served Jesus that day. It was a habit that I established to help them understand that deliberately choosing to serve others is truly serving Jesus Christ. This habit has since fallen by the wayside as we no longer do tuck-ins, but I do still regularly ask them how they've served Jesus. Or, when given the opportunity to serve, I reaffirm that they are serving the Savior. Children learn by example, so make it a habit to purposefully serve. 

#34 Whenever possible, when a child is having a rough time, pull them into another room to have a chat. Start the chat with a prayer. Let them hear you pray for them, for their needs and their wants. Let them hear you express gratitude to the Lord for giving them to your charge. Then, in that spirit, have them share their troubles with you. If they don't feel like talking, sit in the quiet for a few minutes. If they still don't talk, just reassure them that tomorrow will be easier and that they can tell the Lord their troubles in their prayers because He understands. Then, reassure them that you're there to help guide them and love them and that your job is to help them return home to Heavenly Father. You hope that they will feel comfortable telling you whatever it is that is bothering them, but that in the meantime, they can tell the Lord.

#35 Jon Mark and I like to reiterate to the children that they should be on each others team. If the sibling isn't breaking the commandments, or isn't doing anything that could seriously hurt themselves or others, well, then that child should not tattle. Be on each others team. It's important to us that our children will grow close and want to maintain their relationships after they leave the nest. This starts at a young age. Encourage them to have each other's backs.

#36 Family, Sex, Gender, Race: In today's world, Satan is working overtime to confuse and disorient the rising generation. Schools push radical sexual agendas, including homosexuality, transgenderism, self-pleasure and so many other unholy and impure practices that I don't wish to include here. Racism is also a BIG deal right now. Schools are really pushing the critical race theory which strives to rewrite history, teach anti-Americanism, and really preaches that whiteness is equivalent to racist. Schools try to dismantle the nuclear family. My advice? From the youngest of ages, stress that if they hear the words: Family, Sex, Gender, or Race at school or from a grown-up, you want to know about it. I've done it so often that all I have to say is, "What are the four things I need to know about?" And then, they repeat back to me those four words. We've had meaningful discussions, discussions that I wouldn't have known to have if I hadn't taught them that lesson. Satan desires to have our kids, don't let him.

#37 Periodically express to your children that what they choose to do now matters. Their choices will affect how others remember them. Encourage them to choose wisely. 

#38 Teach pornography drills like a fire drill. What do you do if you see pornography? 1. Call it what it is. Say, "that's pornography", 2. Look away or shut it down. 3. Tell a trusted adult. Reassure them that they will not be in trouble if they accidentally see pornography, tell them that Satan wants them to feel shame and keep it hidden. Heavenly Father wants them to seek help and feel loved. The real problems/addictions happen when we keep it hidden and spiral. Talk to them often about what encounters they may come across. We can't child-proof the world, but we can world-proof our children. Also, if you accidentally come across pornography yourself, tell your children and then tell them how you handled it. One time, when I was a student at BYU, I typed an innocent word into the search bar. Many explicit images popped up on the screen. I told my kids that I looked away, shut down the computer and then went and got the computer tech expert and told them what had happened. Another time, when I was driving down the road, I saw something pornographic on the car next to me. Later, I had a conversation with my kids about it. I said, "Today when I was driving, I saw something pornographic on the car next to me. Do you know how I handled it? I said to myself that that was pornography and I looked away. I also sang some primary songs to keep my thoughts clean."

#39 Find the moments. Don't let Satan steal the joy of parenthood. It's not all going to peaches and unicorns. You're going to get frustrated. It's going to get hard. There will be moments of boredom and loneliness. There will be days that feel so long. But, even though being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, it is also the most rewarding a joyous thing I have ever done. Find those moments every day. Some will say to savor every moment, that may seem impossible. Find the moments though. See your children through fresh eyes. Remember that strong, enduring love grows in the nitty-gritty. You're stronger than you think you are. It's true that days are long but years are short. It's true that you'll miss it when it's gone. It's true that you'll blink and your children will be grown. Find the moments and cherish them. For me those moments come the strongest when they're sleeping soundly in their beds and in a moment of quiet reflection, I allow my heart to swell with love for them. When you feel tired and cranky, put yourself in time-out and reconnect. Find ways to have fun. Remember that it's fleeting and find the moments.

#39 I hope my daughters will choose to stay at home with their children. I hope my sons will rise to the challenge of providing for their families so that their wives will be able to stay home. Our world is changing, and this way of living is becoming less popular. It's also becoming more difficult to do. Everything is more expensive because most houses are duel income. But, if there is a way to be a stay at home mother, it is the most ideal and rewarding lifestyle. I have no regrets. I have given it my all. We did without, we drove only one car for years, lived in apartments for years when everyone else was buying homes, we made it happen. It wasn't always easy, but I would never choose differently if given the chance to go back. I loved and nurtured and taught my children in a way that is irreplaceable. 

#40 You're children aren't yours. They belong to Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. They have a divine heritage, just like you do. Heavenly Father is trusting you to help them find their way back home. When a child gets upset with you because you're so "mean", remind them that one day you will stand before the Lord to give an accounting on how well you did helping them live a covenant life. You will then say to the Lord that you did your very best to love your children and to teach them. You helped them know the right paths. Sometimes leading them and guiding them caused you to say no to things that weren't good or worthy of them. And sometimes that made you unpopular. But, you loved them enough to say no and act as the "mean" parent anyway. 

#41 You're still growing up yourself. Your child is witnessing you growing up as they grow up. Help them see that. Don't pretend to have all the answers, pray together to know the right answer. Help them see your reliance on the Holy Ghost. As my dad says, "I was a better son once I became a father. I was a better father once I became a grandfather. And, I suppose I'll be a better grandfather once I become a great grandfather. I am a slow learner." That's how we learn and grow. All these things shall give us experience and shall be for our good. And, it we endure it well, we shall be exalted on high. 

A View From Mid-Way Up 3

 For my third installment, I thought I'd talk about home centered-church supported gospel learning.

#21 Find those spiritual moments throughout the day and thank Heavenly Father for opening your eyes to see them. Spiritual moments are all around us if we take the time to ponder. I don't like going very long in between my spiritual moments. The line in the song "More Holiness Give Me" where it says "more longing for home", yeah, I get that. I long for spiritual experiences, and if I go too long in between those moments, I find myself yearning for a hug from my Heavenly Father. I find that if I recognize His hand in all things, then I can spiritually see and feel His hands stretched out in front of me. 

    I like to say that I am highly favored of the Lord. I know that saying such things can make people feel uneasy, like I am being boastful or prideful... I'm not feeling pride at all when I say that. The feeling I am expressing is one of awe, and actually one of humility--because, I, lowly Ralae McAvoy, am so loved by the God of the Universe that He helps me in the biggest of ways right down to the very smallest of ways. He has never, ever let me down before and He has always had my back--through everything. So, yes, I can confidently say that I am highly favored of the Lord because I feel it to my very bones. To deny it would be an insult to my Heavenly Father and to Jesus Christ. But, just because I am highly favored of the Lord doesn't mean that others are not. He loves all of His children and I hope that others can confidently say, like me (and Nephi), that they are highly favored of the Lord. Sometimes it takes practice to see His love. But, I promise you that if you can make it a daily exercise, it will become more natural and instead of a daily exercise it can become a moment by moment exercise. The Lord wishes to bless us. I can attest that He knows all of my hopes, my dreams, my wishes and heartaches. He also knows what's on my Amazon wish list. 

 #22 Participate in whole-body exercise. I am a huge believer that exercising my physical body also exercises my mental and emotional state (endurance) and it can certainly exercise my spiritual state. I like to ponder and listen to conference talks when I exercise. I feel that this combination offers the most complete benefit for my entire body. Try it, you may like the benefit of whole body exercise too. 

    I have had many spiritual moments when I am working out. I've recounted them on this blog many times. I have felt strength and support from my grandparents on the other side of the veil. I have had thoughts, or answers, come so completely to me about questions that I have had circulating around in my head. I have felt the presence of the Holy Ghost. 

#23 Consistent scripture study, do it. I learned a long time ago that my kids don't get a lot from reading a chapter together from the scriptures early in the morning. Maybe that works for other families. I found that it didn't work for mine. I beat myself up about it for years. Then, the church came out with Come Follow Me. This program was an answer to prayer. Everything is laid out for you, you can go at your own pace. Some families may do it for an hour, others maybe a half hour, ours lasts for about 5-10 minutes most nights, but we are consistent. We read a few verses of scripture, we discuss it. Sometimes that's all that happens, but other times something really neat and special happens. Sometimes the kids have questions or valuable insights and we end up having a really good family discussion on important matters that pertain to these latter days. I feel as though consistent family scripture study arms my children with power from heaven. 

#24 Play spiritual songs in your home as often as possible. The spiritual songs that the church uses nowadays, and that are available so readily, teach gospel truths. Spiritual music, sacred music, it fills the home with a sweet, reverent spirit. They help the children feel the power of the Holy Ghost and they set a tone in a way that only music uniquely does. I play sacred music all throughout the week.

#25 This one may be controversial. I'm not sure. Teach your kids to fast to their ability. Our rule is, when the child turns 8 they will start to fast for one meal. When the child turns 12, they are encouraged to fast for two meals. However, they are only to fast for as long as they can have a good attitude about it. We encourage fasting for the full time, but we tell them that if they whine and complain then they are missing the point of fasting. We tell them to offer the Lord what they feel they can do, and to pray that their offering is enough. Gradually they increase their fasting length. 

#26 Buy The Lamb of God music and listen to it. That's all.

#27 Find spiritual moments throughout the day and teach your children through those genuine, organic moments that present themselves. I went hiking up Flat Iron with my older kids and my dad recently. I had carried two back packs because Luke was complaining about the extra weight. When the trail got steeper, Joshua took both back packs from me and carried them without making a fuss to lighten my load. Eventually, like an hour or so later, Luke finally noticed. He pointed out that Joshua was carrying his load and my load. This presented as an opportunity, so I said something along the lines of, "that's what Jesus does for us. Just like your older brother willingly took your load and carried it because he knew that the hike was a difficult hike for you, your other older brother takes our load on His ever capable shoulders and helps make our burdens lighter. His yoke is easy and His burden in light". That moment was a powerful moment. 

#28 Serve in church willingly and give it your all. Until you serve in a leadership position, you may not realize how much others are counting on you to fulfill your calling and magnify your calling. Get involved. Find your own subs. Help make the youth and primary program successful, fun, and spiritually edifying. Be reliable. Get to know your class outside of church. Reach out and lift up. Don't turn down callings. Use uncomfortable callings as an experience to help you grow and learn.

#29 "Brush your teeth, say your prayers, read your scriptures, go to bed". That is the chant we say with our children every night at bedtime. They know the chant well. Simplify the bedtime routine, do what is good for you. I used to spend SO much time putting the kids to bed. It became a very long process. I would get frustrated and tired. So, one day I simplified it to the chant. We do Come Follow Me, say prayers, and then we chant the chant and Jon Mark and I go on a walk. The kids pretty much put themselves to bed now. I'll always cherish the tucking ins and laybys but as life progressed, it just wasn't working anymore. So, enjoy those slower nights with young children while you can, but when it isn't working anymore, simplify.

#30 Teach your children what it feels like to feel the spirit, present opportunities for them to feel the spirit often, and then encourage them to remember what they felt and to hold onto that feeling for times when maybe they feel heaven is more distant. Everyone hears and feels the spirit differently. Help them discover how they feel the spirit. "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Take my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above." I think we all understand what it feels like to feel heaven so close and powerfully that you see the way so clearly. In those moments you can't imagine ever sinning again because you see the plan so clearly and fully. But, the moment fades and life happens, and eventually you make mistakes again. If only the Lord could take your heart right then and seal it so that you wouldn't be able to wander from Him again. I find that wandering is less frequent if we take the time to recognize how we feel the spirit, and then remember what that felt like so that when we feel persuaded to wander, we won't, because our testimonies are firmly planted and our hearts are sealed. 

A View From Mid-Way Up 2

For this second installment of my wisdom and advice after 39 years of life, I decided to focus it on how to keep a clean home. Yesterday's installment was more on the serious side, so I'll keep it light for now.

#12 Make every trip up the stairs count. There's always something that can be taken up the stairs. So, every time you go upstairs, bring something with you to put away. Sometimes I have used baskets at the base of the stairs to collect things and then I take it upstairs in one load. But, I find that the basket can become overwhelming and it can get dumped or emptied. So, instead, I make every trip count.

#13 Empty the dishwasher every morning and fill it throughout the day. My sink never has dirty dishes in it. It does have clean dishes on the clean side, occasionally, but rarely does it have dirty dishes. By starting with an empty dishwasher, every plate, every cup, every spoon etc. gets placed directly into the dishwasher throughout the day. What about if I'm making dinner??? I wash as I go. So, by the end of making dinner, there are no pots or pans to clean. 

#14 Nike's motto: Just Do It... this is my motto. I am a finisher. I finish every task I start and I finish it quickly. Sometimes this gets me in trouble because I am not a perfectionist, but, I finish and complete every task. I know people in my life who will spend three hours organizing a drawer. When they are done, that drawer looks amazing. However, in that three hours the rest of the house has fallen apart and suddenly keeping a clean home is overwhelming. I just do it. If I'm tired... well, I know that the mess isn't going anywhere, so I just do it. If I'm feeling lazy, I just do it. I don't want to exercise, I do it anyway. Just do it, and do it well.

#15 Squeegee the shower. Jon Mark and I squeegee the shower after every single use. It was a practice that my parents instilled within us when we lived with them and we have continued it ever since. It keeps the shower clean, and it prevents hard water build up.

#16 Every bathroom, and every main room needs it's own cleaning supplies. I am less likely to clean a bathroom if I have to travel around the house carrying a bucket of cleaning supplies. When the cleaning supplies are already there, it's easy to wipe down a toilet seat or clean a mirror. I clean my bathrooms every day, because it's easy to do so. This is also a good rule of thumb for toothbrushes. Have toothbrushes upstairs and downstairs. Have a vacuum for upstairs and a vacuum for downstairs. 

#17 Horizontal surfaces should not become places where people dump or store items. A house looks cluttered and messy when horizontal surfaces are used for storage. Try to store things vertically or out of sight in drawers or closets.

#18 Have the kids help with a ten minute clean up every evening and throughout the day. Use words like, "Before any electronics or play time, we need to stop what we are doing and spend 10 minutes cleaning". Chore charts don't work for me, and I felt guilty about this for years. I tried several, they all failed. I'm just not that kind of mom. I do most of the heavy lifting: dishes, bathrooms, laundry. But, I do expect my kids to help with the responsibilities. They do very well during ten minute clean ups. Also, every night I tell them what I want done, and they do it. I'll say, "I need the dining room, kitchen, and floors done, who is doing what?" They work together and it gets done, just not on a chart.

#19 Take pictures of kids art work and then throw it away. That may sound cruel, but if you keep all of their little treasures, the house will become cluttered. Keep it on the fridge for a day or two and then take a picture. 

#20 Go to bed with a clean house. It's a good start to tomorrow when today is already clean. 

A View From Mid-Way up.

 Many years ago, my dad wrote his daughters a book of advice. He was close to my age when he did it, which is kind of crazy to think about. Last night, I had the thought when I was in the "in between" of sleep and awake that I should also write my own advice down here. It'll take me a few installments. But, I'll title it the same. In my sleepy state, the first item of advice was laid out before me. So, the first installment of my wisdom will be on the topic of marriage.

#1 When you marry, always put the Lord at the head of your marriage. Think of it like a triangle. You and your spouse are on opposite sides of the base and the Lord is at the top (peak). As you and your spouse move closer to the Lord (and in this object lesson, up the sides of the triangle), you also move closer together in proximity (both in the physical triangle in this object lesson, but also in real life spiritually). I have found this to be true in my life. Jon Mark and I have always put the Lord first. By doing so, we strive to emulate Christ-like attributes which keeps our marriage strong and happy. Our marriage is self-less and we each strive to put each others needs above our own. As a result, we both feel blessed and rather spoiled. The Lord is paramount and He has blessed our marriage to be strong and enduring. 

#2 Marry someone who makes you want to be a better person because he or she helps you feel closer to the Lord. Marry someone who inspires you. You want to be a better person when you are with them, because they help you see your divine potential. 

#3 Always strive to keep your standards high. Your spouse took a huge bet when they decided to spend eternity by your side. Give them reasons to rejoice in their choice. Help them see that their gamble on you (which was hopefully a prayer-filled gamble) was a good gamble. 

#4 Serve your spouse. We live in a world that is littered with false messages of what happiness looks like. We are told that if we serve our spouse we are somehow subservient or old-fashioned. Those messages are false. We are our own masters, but even the Master Himself served those around Him. He served, but was not a servant. He served willingly, lovingly, and selflessly. We can likewise use our agency to serve our spouse. By doing so, we are serving the Master Healer Himself. We show our love through service. It's just one more way to move upward and closer together on that triangle. 

    Years ago, we were living in Ohio. Jon Mark was going to law school, we were poor and the future was uncertain. I had three little children at home and was pregnant with Hannah. The pregnancy was difficult and scary. Jon Mark was pulling "all-nighters" and many times I found myself alone at home caring for the kids. It was a hard time, but it wasn't hard on our marriage because of how we approached those hardships. We served each other. I'll share one example from that time and I'll call it the parable of the trash. 

    Off of the kitchen there was a mud room. It was the entrance and exit to the house that we used the most. Every time the trash became full, I would place the full trash bag next to the door, instead of carrying it all of the way to the bin outside in the garage. I figured that taking out the trash was a man's job and that Jon Mark could carry it the rest of the way to the garage when he'd leave for the day. Well, he kept forgetting. Soon, one trash bag turned into four and the whole mud-room smelled. I thought to myself, "surely he sees all of this trash. Why won't he just take it the rest of the way?" I grew frustrated and it became a battle of wills (but only on my part because Jon Mark was pretty oblivious to the piles of trash). I wasn't going to take it out, why should I? Surely he knows how much I do around the house when he isn't home. 

    Well, one day, as I went to place another bag of trash on the pile, I had a moment of clarity. The spirit spoke to me through a feeling that caused me to see things through a different lens. Instead of seeing my own hardships, I saw my husbands. Instead of comparing duties and playing the game of "who-does-more" I saw the burden he has to carry of providing for our family and the stressers of the unknown future. My heart softened. I didn't want to make his burden heavier. I wanted to ease it. So, instead of placing another bag on the pile, I took all five bags all of the way to the garage and placed them in the bin. As I did so, I thought to myself about how much I loved my husband. I decided then and there that if there was a chore that I could do for him, I'd do it as much as I could do it. And, as I did it, it would be like saying, "I love you" to him. This is so much more constructive than nagging or comparing. Those two activities are divisive. But, serving? Now that gets you places. The more I serve him, he serves me. So, yes, I make my husband sandwiches, I get him drinks of water. He gives me massages after a hard day and plays with my hair. I spray for bugs and do yard work--because I am able, and by doing so it makes his burden lighter. He'll watch the kids after a busy day at work so that I can go out with ladies in the ward. The other day I told him that I saw a mirror that I wanted but that it was expensive. He saw the smile on my face and said, "Ralae, you know that I will get you whatever you want". And you know what? I do know it. Because what we have is a marriage that is full of service. Serve your spouse. And, serve with love. 

#5 Along with service, regularly ask your spouse how you can make their day better. It's amazing how it feels when Jon Mark wakes up next to me in the morning and asks me what he can do to make my day easier. It makes me feel so loved. 

#6 Spend time in bed. Yes, do "that" but also just spend time in bed. Some of my most favorite and cherished memories with my husband occur on lazy Saturday or Sunday mornings when we have nowhere to go. The kids think we sleep in for too long, but we are really laughing, cuddling, reminiscing, and dreaming out loud. That pillow talk is an important way for us to connect and put each other first. I'll cherish those moments all of my life. 

#7 Be fun and have fun. Your spouse married you when you were young, before life settled in and made you boring ;) When kids come along and life becomes a bit mundane, continue to have fun with each other. Have a spontaneous water fight. Try something new. Go on dates. Slow dance next to the dirty dishes. Fast dance when your groove song come on. Sing in the car. Get your hair wet even if the water is cold. Find ways to show each other that life is to be enjoyed. 

#8 Take a shower. Shower together, shower alone, just shower lol. Have good hygiene. Take care of your appearance. Look and feel your best. Exercise. Self-care is important. When you feel as though you are putting your best self forward, you will probably want to put your best self forward in your marriage as well. Besides, people like snuggling up next to people that smell good. LOL.

#9 Pray together. Every night, after the kids go to sleep, hug each other and say a prayer, just the two of you. When it's your turn to say the prayer, pray out loud for your spouse. Every night, I hear Jon Mark pray for my sleep to improve. I struggle with insomnia, and it means a lot to me that he prays for me to sleep good. 

#10 You no longer have your own trials once you are married. Carry your trials together. Yoke yourselves to one another and to the Lord. As I already stated, I suffer from insomnia. Sometimes it is really bad. In my bad cycles, which can last for months at a time, I average 3 hours a night. I have seen many sunsets turn into sunrises. When you struggle with something for so long and there's no magic pill or potion to take it away, when your hopes for healing have been dashed over and over again, sometimes despair sets in. 

    I have suffered from insomnia for 10 years. Thankfully I have gotten so much better, but there have been more nights than I can count where my mind played tricks on me and I thought I'd never sleep again. One night when the despair had set in, I cried to Heavenly Father. I asked Him if He cared. I asked Him why He didn't take this trial from me or make it better. I asked him why He didn't help me. Then, clear as day, His answer and His words came to my mind. He said, "I gave you your husband." That day forward, I knew that I didn't have to suffer alone. Jon Mark told me to wake him up if I needed to and we'd spend the night together. I wasn't alone in my despair. I never was, the Lord was there. But, He helped me realize that my husband was there too. This was a turning point for my insomnia. Carry your trials together.

#11 True love is in the nitty gritty. It's in the ugly and hard things as well as in the beautiful things. Truthfully, when you find the kind of love that happens in the nitty gritty it is even more beautiful and strong. It's easy to love in the ease of life. But, when life gets hard, that is where enduring, long-lasting love grows. 

    After I had Hannah, I had a day in the hospital that was so so hard. I was in such pain. My emotions were all over the place. I had been left alone for most of the day. So, when Jon Mark came to the hospital after work, he found a wife that had been crying so hard for so long that her eyes were nearly swollen shut. I sat on the toilet to change the granny diaper of underwear that they gave me to catch all of the after birth goodness, and I cried some more. Because I had had a c-section, it hurt to bend over to pull the underwear/diaper back up. Without saying anything, Jon Mark came into the bathroom and knelt down beside me. He grabbed hold of the underwear with one hand and helped me stand up with the other hand. He pulled the underwear up for me and then wiped my face. He helped me back to the bed, and I felt as though the cavalry had come. That was love in the ugly and that was love in the nitty gritty, but in that moment, I felt our love so beautifully that I have a difficult time putting it into words. 

 Well, that's all I have time for right now. I'll have more advice and wisdom to share later. 

  

Picture Updates

This is a fun picture of Ahmed Corbitt, he is a good friend of the McAvoy's and is in the General 70. It was a neat experience for the children to have such a close visit with a visiting general authority. He was visiting AZ to hold a special fireside and in his talk he gave a shout-out to the McAvoy family. Mark McAvoy, my father in law, served with him in NJ.

The kids got to dress up for spirit week at school.

Mercedes was a frontier woman, Luke was a OBGYN (he loves babies and wants to deliver them someday), Hannah was a dancer, I'm not sure I remember what Jaz and Cub were.

For twin day, I bought Jaz a matching shirt with Hannah.

We splurged on birthday parties this year and the kids were spoiled. We took Luke and his friends to Elevate which is a trampoline park.

The girls had their dance recital and did a wonderful job. It brings me joy to watch them on the stage. I hope they love it as much as I did when I was younger.

Joshua is killing it at wrestling. He had a great season and really proved his stuff. Now that it is summer, I hardly see him. He wakes up early, rides his bike to the school, lifts weights, wrestles, and then rides his bike home just to go to his friend's house for the rest of the day. He is growing up before my eyes. They all are. It's bittersweet. I'm glad he has a good group of friends to hang out with. I wish he'd tell me a little more about the details of his life, but he's just different that way. My other kids like to talk my ear off and tell me about everything, Joshua is more private but he's an easy-going, really good young man.

We had Rose's baby blessing and Hannah's baptism. Both were beautiful events and very special. 

Hannah was so excited to get baptized and looked so beautiful in her dress. I love her so much. I love her spunk and her sweetness. I love how she gets embarrassed when I cry during spiritual things or in sad movies. She's a beauty inside and out. 

Some paintings I did. Moroni doesn't look right, but I included him to show progress.

After a looooong hard year, Caleb graduated kindergarten. Of all my kids, he had the hardest time adjusting to K. He hated school and dreaded going every.single.day. It required bribes and goals. It required patience and endurance. But, we did it! All through a pandemic. And, at the end of the year, he even admitted that he had begun to enjoy school.

20 years ago, I modeled for an artist. Soon after, I went to BYU and never saw the finished product. Well, he recently posted his paintings as a flashback on facebook and tagged me as the model. Some of my features don't look exactly like me, but, there is some resemblance to what I looked like at 20.

These two adore their dad. He's such a great dad. My dad teases me that I am spoiled. It's true. JM gives me the world and makes me feel like his eternal queen. I love him so much.

I had surgery recently and spent many days in my bed. Caleb liked to come and sit with me while I watched TV.

We had a good Easter. 

Mercedes had a great 5th grade year. She's a remarkable student and is very driven to do her best. She's a favorite of teachers and students alike. We are blessed to have her.

Luke said goodbye to his teacher of three years. It was hard for him. He loved her. He wrote her a poem on the last day of school and it made her cry. He and Mercedes cried the whole drive home from school on their last day. They both take after me in terms of tender hearts. Luke is a romantic and a heart breaker. He's a sweet boy.