Welcome to my fourth installment of advice. Today we will focus on child-rearing.
#31 Joseph Smith taught the Lord's way of exercising priesthood authority. D&C 121: 43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy. I find this to be excellent parenting advice. Your kids are going to make mistakes and need correction. Correcting bad behavior is a form of love. We only correct the behavior because we care about the child. However, correcting should be done in a spirit of tenderness and not out of anger. Sometimes this is really difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. It's best to take a moment to pause and take a deep breath before correcting so that you can be sure to do it for the right reasons. Afterwards, praise the child on what they do well, express to them the spiritual gifts that you've noticed that they possess, reassure them of how much you love them. If every correction was done with such meekness and love, think of how that child will remember you and the the parenting style they were able to witness!
#32 "Pause, take a deep breath and do the next right thing" Going along with #31, I've tried to get that phrase to be a catch phrase--something that I automatically say to give me a moment to solve the problem and to gather my thoughts. I also try to say it for my kids to hear in an effort to get them to take a moment to pause and reflect on the appropriate action to take going forward. I also tell my kids that this conflict has given them an opportunity to choose how they will respond. They have the choice to show an expression of love to their sibling, or they have the choice to act out as the natural man and react emotionally. Either way, their choice has a consequence. It can either be a consequence of solidifying the relationship and showing that the relationship is more important that the conflict, or the converse could be true.
#33 Serve Jesus by serving others. For many years, every night at tuck-in I'd ask the kids how they served Jesus that day. It was a habit that I established to help them understand that deliberately choosing to serve others is truly serving Jesus Christ. This habit has since fallen by the wayside as we no longer do tuck-ins, but I do still regularly ask them how they've served Jesus. Or, when given the opportunity to serve, I reaffirm that they are serving the Savior. Children learn by example, so make it a habit to purposefully serve.
#34 Whenever possible, when a child is having a rough time, pull them into another room to have a chat. Start the chat with a prayer. Let them hear you pray for them, for their needs and their wants. Let them hear you express gratitude to the Lord for giving them to your charge. Then, in that spirit, have them share their troubles with you. If they don't feel like talking, sit in the quiet for a few minutes. If they still don't talk, just reassure them that tomorrow will be easier and that they can tell the Lord their troubles in their prayers because He understands. Then, reassure them that you're there to help guide them and love them and that your job is to help them return home to Heavenly Father. You hope that they will feel comfortable telling you whatever it is that is bothering them, but that in the meantime, they can tell the Lord.
#35 Jon Mark and I like to reiterate to the children that they should be on each others team. If the sibling isn't breaking the commandments, or isn't doing anything that could seriously hurt themselves or others, well, then that child should not tattle. Be on each others team. It's important to us that our children will grow close and want to maintain their relationships after they leave the nest. This starts at a young age. Encourage them to have each other's backs.
#36 Family, Sex, Gender, Race: In today's world, Satan is working overtime to confuse and disorient the rising generation. Schools push radical sexual agendas, including homosexuality, transgenderism, self-pleasure and so many other unholy and impure practices that I don't wish to include here. Racism is also a BIG deal right now. Schools are really pushing the critical race theory which strives to rewrite history, teach anti-Americanism, and really preaches that whiteness is equivalent to racist. Schools try to dismantle the nuclear family. My advice? From the youngest of ages, stress that if they hear the words: Family, Sex, Gender, or Race at school or from a grown-up, you want to know about it. I've done it so often that all I have to say is, "What are the four things I need to know about?" And then, they repeat back to me those four words. We've had meaningful discussions, discussions that I wouldn't have known to have if I hadn't taught them that lesson. Satan desires to have our kids, don't let him.
#37 Periodically express to your children that what they choose to do now matters. Their choices will affect how others remember them. Encourage them to choose wisely.
#38 Teach pornography drills like a fire drill. What do you do if you see pornography? 1. Call it what it is. Say, "that's pornography", 2. Look away or shut it down. 3. Tell a trusted adult. Reassure them that they will not be in trouble if they accidentally see pornography, tell them that Satan wants them to feel shame and keep it hidden. Heavenly Father wants them to seek help and feel loved. The real problems/addictions happen when we keep it hidden and spiral. Talk to them often about what encounters they may come across. We can't child-proof the world, but we can world-proof our children. Also, if you accidentally come across pornography yourself, tell your children and then tell them how you handled it. One time, when I was a student at BYU, I typed an innocent word into the search bar. Many explicit images popped up on the screen. I told my kids that I looked away, shut down the computer and then went and got the computer tech expert and told them what had happened. Another time, when I was driving down the road, I saw something pornographic on the car next to me. Later, I had a conversation with my kids about it. I said, "Today when I was driving, I saw something pornographic on the car next to me. Do you know how I handled it? I said to myself that that was pornography and I looked away. I also sang some primary songs to keep my thoughts clean."
#39 Find the moments. Don't let Satan steal the joy of parenthood. It's not all going to peaches and unicorns. You're going to get frustrated. It's going to get hard. There will be moments of boredom and loneliness. There will be days that feel so long. But, even though being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, it is also the most rewarding a joyous thing I have ever done. Find those moments every day. Some will say to savor every moment, that may seem impossible. Find the moments though. See your children through fresh eyes. Remember that strong, enduring love grows in the nitty-gritty. You're stronger than you think you are. It's true that days are long but years are short. It's true that you'll miss it when it's gone. It's true that you'll blink and your children will be grown. Find the moments and cherish them. For me those moments come the strongest when they're sleeping soundly in their beds and in a moment of quiet reflection, I allow my heart to swell with love for them. When you feel tired and cranky, put yourself in time-out and reconnect. Find ways to have fun. Remember that it's fleeting and find the moments.
#39 I hope my daughters will choose to stay at home with their children. I hope my sons will rise to the challenge of providing for their families so that their wives will be able to stay home. Our world is changing, and this way of living is becoming less popular. It's also becoming more difficult to do. Everything is more expensive because most houses are duel income. But, if there is a way to be a stay at home mother, it is the most ideal and rewarding lifestyle. I have no regrets. I have given it my all. We did without, we drove only one car for years, lived in apartments for years when everyone else was buying homes, we made it happen. It wasn't always easy, but I would never choose differently if given the chance to go back. I loved and nurtured and taught my children in a way that is irreplaceable.
#40 You're children aren't yours. They belong to Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. They have a divine heritage, just like you do. Heavenly Father is trusting you to help them find their way back home. When a child gets upset with you because you're so "mean", remind them that one day you will stand before the Lord to give an accounting on how well you did helping them live a covenant life. You will then say to the Lord that you did your very best to love your children and to teach them. You helped them know the right paths. Sometimes leading them and guiding them caused you to say no to things that weren't good or worthy of them. And sometimes that made you unpopular. But, you loved them enough to say no and act as the "mean" parent anyway.
#41 You're still growing up yourself. Your child is witnessing you growing up as they grow up. Help them see that. Don't pretend to have all the answers, pray together to know the right answer. Help them see your reliance on the Holy Ghost. As my dad says, "I was a better son once I became a father. I was a better father once I became a grandfather. And, I suppose I'll be a better grandfather once I become a great grandfather. I am a slow learner." That's how we learn and grow. All these things shall give us experience and shall be for our good. And, it we endure it well, we shall be exalted on high.
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