Many years ago, my dad wrote his daughters a book of advice. He was close to my age when he did it, which is kind of crazy to think about. Last night, I had the thought when I was in the "in between" of sleep and awake that I should also write my own advice down here. It'll take me a few installments. But, I'll title it the same. In my sleepy state, the first item of advice was laid out before me. So, the first installment of my wisdom will be on the topic of marriage.
#1 When you marry, always put the Lord at the head of your marriage. Think of it like a triangle. You and your spouse are on opposite sides of the base and the Lord is at the top (peak). As you and your spouse move closer to the Lord (and in this object lesson, up the sides of the triangle), you also move closer together in proximity (both in the physical triangle in this object lesson, but also in real life spiritually). I have found this to be true in my life. Jon Mark and I have always put the Lord first. By doing so, we strive to emulate Christ-like attributes which keeps our marriage strong and happy. Our marriage is self-less and we each strive to put each others needs above our own. As a result, we both feel blessed and rather spoiled. The Lord is paramount and He has blessed our marriage to be strong and enduring.
#2 Marry someone who makes you want to be a better person because he or she helps you feel closer to the Lord. Marry someone who inspires you. You want to be a better person when you are with them, because they help you see your divine potential.
#3 Always strive to keep your standards high. Your spouse took a huge bet when they decided to spend eternity by your side. Give them reasons to rejoice in their choice. Help them see that their gamble on you (which was hopefully a prayer-filled gamble) was a good gamble.
#4 Serve your spouse. We live in a world that is littered with false messages of what happiness looks like. We are told that if we serve our spouse we are somehow subservient or old-fashioned. Those messages are false. We are our own masters, but even the Master Himself served those around Him. He served, but was not a servant. He served willingly, lovingly, and selflessly. We can likewise use our agency to serve our spouse. By doing so, we are serving the Master Healer Himself. We show our love through service. It's just one more way to move upward and closer together on that triangle.
Years ago, we were living in Ohio. Jon Mark was going to law school, we were poor and the future was uncertain. I had three little children at home and was pregnant with Hannah. The pregnancy was difficult and scary. Jon Mark was pulling "all-nighters" and many times I found myself alone at home caring for the kids. It was a hard time, but it wasn't hard on our marriage because of how we approached those hardships. We served each other. I'll share one example from that time and I'll call it the parable of the trash.
Off of the kitchen there was a mud room. It was the entrance and exit to the house that we used the most. Every time the trash became full, I would place the full trash bag next to the door, instead of carrying it all of the way to the bin outside in the garage. I figured that taking out the trash was a man's job and that Jon Mark could carry it the rest of the way to the garage when he'd leave for the day. Well, he kept forgetting. Soon, one trash bag turned into four and the whole mud-room smelled. I thought to myself, "surely he sees all of this trash. Why won't he just take it the rest of the way?" I grew frustrated and it became a battle of wills (but only on my part because Jon Mark was pretty oblivious to the piles of trash). I wasn't going to take it out, why should I? Surely he knows how much I do around the house when he isn't home.
Well, one day, as I went to place another bag of trash on the pile, I had a moment of clarity. The spirit spoke to me through a feeling that caused me to see things through a different lens. Instead of seeing my own hardships, I saw my husbands. Instead of comparing duties and playing the game of "who-does-more" I saw the burden he has to carry of providing for our family and the stressers of the unknown future. My heart softened. I didn't want to make his burden heavier. I wanted to ease it. So, instead of placing another bag on the pile, I took all five bags all of the way to the garage and placed them in the bin. As I did so, I thought to myself about how much I loved my husband. I decided then and there that if there was a chore that I could do for him, I'd do it as much as I could do it. And, as I did it, it would be like saying, "I love you" to him. This is so much more constructive than nagging or comparing. Those two activities are divisive. But, serving? Now that gets you places. The more I serve him, he serves me. So, yes, I make my husband sandwiches, I get him drinks of water. He gives me massages after a hard day and plays with my hair. I spray for bugs and do yard work--because I am able, and by doing so it makes his burden lighter. He'll watch the kids after a busy day at work so that I can go out with ladies in the ward. The other day I told him that I saw a mirror that I wanted but that it was expensive. He saw the smile on my face and said, "Ralae, you know that I will get you whatever you want". And you know what? I do know it. Because what we have is a marriage that is full of service. Serve your spouse. And, serve with love.
#5 Along with service, regularly ask your spouse how you can make their day better. It's amazing how it feels when Jon Mark wakes up next to me in the morning and asks me what he can do to make my day easier. It makes me feel so loved.
#6 Spend time in bed. Yes, do "that" but also just spend time in bed. Some of my most favorite and cherished memories with my husband occur on lazy Saturday or Sunday mornings when we have nowhere to go. The kids think we sleep in for too long, but we are really laughing, cuddling, reminiscing, and dreaming out loud. That pillow talk is an important way for us to connect and put each other first. I'll cherish those moments all of my life.
#7 Be fun and have fun. Your spouse married you when you were young, before life settled in and made you boring ;) When kids come along and life becomes a bit mundane, continue to have fun with each other. Have a spontaneous water fight. Try something new. Go on dates. Slow dance next to the dirty dishes. Fast dance when your groove song come on. Sing in the car. Get your hair wet even if the water is cold. Find ways to show each other that life is to be enjoyed.
#8 Take a shower. Shower together, shower alone, just shower lol. Have good hygiene. Take care of your appearance. Look and feel your best. Exercise. Self-care is important. When you feel as though you are putting your best self forward, you will probably want to put your best self forward in your marriage as well. Besides, people like snuggling up next to people that smell good. LOL.
#9 Pray together. Every night, after the kids go to sleep, hug each other and say a prayer, just the two of you. When it's your turn to say the prayer, pray out loud for your spouse. Every night, I hear Jon Mark pray for my sleep to improve. I struggle with insomnia, and it means a lot to me that he prays for me to sleep good.
#10 You no longer have your own trials once you are married. Carry your trials together. Yoke yourselves to one another and to the Lord. As I already stated, I suffer from insomnia. Sometimes it is really bad. In my bad cycles, which can last for months at a time, I average 3 hours a night. I have seen many sunsets turn into sunrises. When you struggle with something for so long and there's no magic pill or potion to take it away, when your hopes for healing have been dashed over and over again, sometimes despair sets in.
I have suffered from insomnia for 10 years. Thankfully I have gotten so much better, but there have been more nights than I can count where my mind played tricks on me and I thought I'd never sleep again. One night when the despair had set in, I cried to Heavenly Father. I asked Him if He cared. I asked Him why He didn't take this trial from me or make it better. I asked him why He didn't help me. Then, clear as day, His answer and His words came to my mind. He said, "I gave you your husband." That day forward, I knew that I didn't have to suffer alone. Jon Mark told me to wake him up if I needed to and we'd spend the night together. I wasn't alone in my despair. I never was, the Lord was there. But, He helped me realize that my husband was there too. This was a turning point for my insomnia. Carry your trials together.
#11 True love is in the nitty gritty. It's in the ugly and hard things as well as in the beautiful things. Truthfully, when you find the kind of love that happens in the nitty gritty it is even more beautiful and strong. It's easy to love in the ease of life. But, when life gets hard, that is where enduring, long-lasting love grows.
After I had Hannah, I had a day in the hospital that was so so hard. I was in such pain. My emotions were all over the place. I had been left alone for most of the day. So, when Jon Mark came to the hospital after work, he found a wife that had been crying so hard for so long that her eyes were nearly swollen shut. I sat on the toilet to change the granny diaper of underwear that they gave me to catch all of the after birth goodness, and I cried some more. Because I had had a c-section, it hurt to bend over to pull the underwear/diaper back up. Without saying anything, Jon Mark came into the bathroom and knelt down beside me. He grabbed hold of the underwear with one hand and helped me stand up with the other hand. He pulled the underwear up for me and then wiped my face. He helped me back to the bed, and I felt as though the cavalry had come. That was love in the ugly and that was love in the nitty gritty, but in that moment, I felt our love so beautifully that I have a difficult time putting it into words.
Well, that's all I have time for right now. I'll have more advice and wisdom to share later.
No comments:
Post a Comment