Testimony

I really ought to be getting to bed, but I needed to record some of my feelings from this day.

I had the opportunity to hear Andy Moss speak in church today. Andy has cancer, and it looks like it may be terminal. I have watched this man and his wife struggle through this trial for nearly two years now. My heart breaks for them. But, as I watched him speak, I felt the influence of the Holy Ghost wash over me so intensely. His testimony edified and uplifted me, and I truly felt as though a piece of heaven was on earth, in that chapel. It was so tangible.

It was evident to me that the veil was very thin for the Moss family. It felt as though I was listening to the tongue of angels as I listened to Andy. He testified of eternal families. He testified of a loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves His children individually. When he was told the devastating news that the cancer he had been fighting had come back and was present now throughout his body, he felt calm. His wife, Leyla, fell apart and asked him how he could be so calm. Andy told her that no matter the outcome, no matter what happens to him, he knew that he would be able to be with his family for eternity. He knew that families are eternal. He testified with power that there is a God. I can't really put into words how much I loved his talk.

Andy talked about miracles that have happened through this trial and how his family has been so blessed through it all. God is always good. Bad things happen to good people but God is in the details. He is aware of us. I know this to be true. God is always good.

I have not lost a husband or a child. I have not had cancer. My health is generally very good, and I have such a wonderful husband and great children. I am blessed. My life is so blessed. But, I have had trials. And, through my trials, I have learned something. God is there. He is, and always will be, there. My most difficult trial was my pregnancy with Hannah. I fell apart. The anxiety and stress that I felt during that time was intense. At first, I begged and pleaded with my Heavenly Father to take the trial away. But, that wasn't the answer. It wasn't just taken away, I had to endure it. However, when I finally came to humble myself and accept His will--no matter what His will may be-- something so sweet happened. I felt a new sense of peace wash over me like I had never felt before. It literally felt like a spiritual hug, for a lack of a better way to describe it. I felt a dramatic change. My anxiety and stress were gone. I felt peace and love and I realized that He never left me. I had drawn myself away, but He had never left. My Savior, was there the whole time waiting for me to yoke myself to Him so that He could help me carry my burden. It was such a sweet and tender experience, and through that experience, I learned something about trials and why we have them. They refine us and perfect us. God is always good. Our trials bless our lives as long as we allow them to. As we commit ourselves to live the gospel and accept His will, we are blessed. Andy's talk reminded me of this.

Hourglass

It's a blink of an eye. That's what they say. That is what "they" have been saying since the beginning of time. It's an expression that feels all the more real as I watch my own children grow. 

Today is Hannah's birthday. I can't believe she is two already. But, then again, I can believe it because she acts like a two year old. She can be so funny and so exhausting all at the same time. She tells me she is poopy, gets close enough for me to check, but if I am not quick enough, she darts away from me laughing her head off like Chucky. It's a devilish little laugh that she has adopted for whenever she knows she is being naughty but doesn't care enough about the consequence to stop her actions. Like I said, she is funny and exhausting. She is so sweet with Jon Mark, though. She butters him up like a piece of hot toast.

Hannah loves Caleb. She is sMOTHERing to him all the time. She loves sitting by him constantly, which makes it difficult to place him anywhere except for his pack-n-play. She is constantly putting his pacifier in his mouth whether he wants it or not. She sure does love him.

This newborn of mine, the one that resembles a little old man fairly well, is almost two months old. Blink of an eye. It happened fast. Long hours turned into short weeks, and now he is almost two months. Time must be bendable.

I love this one, he looks scared or something. It makes me smile.

Lukey Bear, Rescue Boy sure hasn't been quite himself recently. I try to remember that it may be because his throat hurts from the surgery, but it has been hard to be patient. He whines and cries quite a bit and refuses to talk. When he does talk, his speech is slurred because he doesn't open his mouth too much. It isn't always, only when he must be hurting. He has some killer breath, too. From the surgery, of course.

This little lady was crying yesterday because she found out that Bear, Sawyer, and Evie were getting babysat by Uncle Nick and Muffin. She wanted to be babysat as well. I told her she couldn't and she began to throw a little fit. I kind of exasperated that she may have to go with me to my Relief Society meeting, but that that was "up in the air", meaning that if Jon Mark made it home in time, then he'd be able to watch her and she wouldn't have to go with me. A few minutes later, she sat down next to me and said that she was excited to go with me, but she wanted to know how we would get there. I had forgotten about the conversation and asked what she was talking about. She said, "it sounds like fun to go to the meeting that is up in the air. But, how will we get to it if it is up in the air". I think she was disappointed when I explained what the expression meant.

Joshua lost his tooth the other day. I could have cried. I LOVED the gap he had in his baby teeth and I have loved that gap for nearly 8 years. It just felt a little too bittersweet. He was excited, he pulled it out himself. The tooth fairy didn't forget about him this time and gave him a whole dollar. 

Yesterday, we were driving to give an envelope with money in it to my friend Leyla. Her husband has cancer all over his body. The kids had asked me what was in the envelope and I explained that Leyla and Andy are going though a difficult time and that we wanted to show them that we cared by giving them some money. Joshua said that he bets Leyla is scared and sad right now. He asked what she would do if Andy didn't get better. I said that I didn't know because Andy is the provider for his family. He then said, "well, I guess Leyla will have to start a farm and grow some wheat, farmers make good money." I told him that starting a farm takes a lot of money and besides that, Leyla doesn't know how to farm. For every problem that I presented with his idea, he gave a solution. Finally, after going back and forth for a time, he said in a frustrated tone, "well, mom, if it is the only way..." He has a big heart.

My mom shared a song with me the other day that reminded me of all my children, but especially Joshua because of his strong sense of imagination. He loves telling me about his plans and carries on quite a bit when he is in his imaginative world. I have since listened to it many times, and I may or may not have cried my eyes out. This song so adequately says what I wish I knew how to say. It's by Mindy Gledhill and it is called Hourglass. 

Little boy, when you speak
I can’t help but kiss your cheeks
I love the way you grab my hands
And tell me all about your plans

Rocket high, comets fly
You and I could hitch a ride
And fly away to Neverland
And give our best to Peter Pan

When you reach for the stars
Don’t forget who you are
And please don’t turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past
Oh, life’s an hourglass
Life’s an hourglass

Story’s read, prayer is said
Close your eyes sleepyhead
While angels linger in your dreams
And hold you in their feathered wings
Just like you, I was small
Not that long ago at all
I wish you all the happiness
That God gives freely if you ask

When you reach for the stars
Don’t forget who you are
And please don’t turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past
Oh, life’s an hourglass
Life’s an hourglass

Luke's Surgery

Luke had his tonsils and his adenoids taken out last week, My father in law snapped a few pictures in the recovery room. When Luke woke up, he ate about 5 blue popsicles and said that his throat hurt. Before surgery he was SO excited. When he would talk about his upcoming surgery it was as though he was describing an upcoming trip to Disneyland. It was so cute and so sad all at the same time. 

As we were waiting our turn to go back, he kept yelling out, "Doctors?! Nurses?! Where are you? You are taking a really long time! I am going to have to put you in time out!". They all thought that he was adorable. Women, especially, take a liking to Luke. The nurses were no exception. He was charming and cute. He engaged them in conversation and spoke in an animated fashion. 

Now that he is home and recovering, surgery doesn't seem like much fun. He is tired of popsicles and ice cream. And... he is even tired of watching TV. He wants to run and jump and play. I was told to keep his heart rate down and his fluids up. He loves Gatorade--so, keeping up with fluids is not an issue. However, keeping him on the couch has proven to be a little difficult. He acts okay so long as the medicine is in his system, But, I can always tell when it's time for more. He gets very quiet, and stops talking. Then, if I don't catch it in time, he starts crying and thrashing about while holding his mouth. That is really sad to see. Poor kid. But, he is hanging in there. And, so am I. Dealing with a kid who just had surgery and a newborn with RSV is not a picnic. It hadn't been too bad, but yesterday was difficult. I have had a lot of family support. My mother and in laws have been so helpful with Luke and the baby. 

Just A Few Things

Just so I don't forget. Mercedes keeps asking me when she can get her ears speared. I keep telling her that she means pierced, but she still says speared.

Luke wears his pants backwards every day because it is easier to put rocks in them. I wonder what people think of me when I let him leave the house. He also prefers to be called Lukey Bear the Rescue Boy. And, the name fits him well.

Joshua wakes up at the crack of dawn. Like... 5:00 am. I didn't really know this until I had a newborn who I am up with at that same time.

The other day Caleb barfed on Mercedes head. She started gagging and acting like she was going to throw up. It looked like a bird took a big turd down the front of her face and onto her clothes. If she wasn't being so dramatic perhaps I would have thought to take a picture.

Hannah has been sick recently and needs a lot of cuddles. It's been challenging with Caleb and his colic. But, each day gets easier. Caleb is so sweet and is sleeping better at night. When I get sleep, it is easier to deal with his crying when he is awake. He isn't too colicky anymore, but he has his moments. I was told once that colicky babies have tightly fisted hands. And that calmer babies have looser hands. It's been the opposite in my experience. He sure is sweet though. I love him so much. He's sooo cuddly. He loves being snuggled and held. I love hearing him breathe. I love feeling him move on my chest.

Jon Mark has been going in to work earlier and getting home sooner. He has more time to play with the kids and they love it. He has been taking them out to play soccer every afternoon. He is such an awesome dad.

Easter 2015 Picture Overload!

The pictures speak for themselves, so I won't write much. We had a neighborhood egg hunt and then the Easter Bunny came the next day and left soccer balls for all of the kids. I didn't take any pictures, but we also had a lesson about the empty tomb and made hollow rolls as symbolic. You place a marshmallow in sweet oils and spices then place it tightly in a piece of dough. As the dough bakes the marshmallow melts and the "tomb" is left empty. Hannah LOVED this holiday and thought that she now had permission to eat candy whenever she wanted to. Luke, Mercedes, and Joshua were old enough to know how to do the hunts and didn't just stop and eat the candy the whole time. Caleb just chilled in my sling.