Revelation

The other day, during my scripture study, I read a Q & A with Elder Nelson and his wife at a YA conference. At the conference they were addressing those who would be classified as Millenials. I am the very start of the Millenial generation and so I figured his remarks applied to me as well. The conference was great. He made some wonderful remarks and had great advice. One of the things he said was, something along the lines of, "if you could just get a glimpse as to who you were before you came to earth, your entire lives would change" and then he challenged those listening to pray for that knowledge. I desired this knowledge as well. So, for many nights, this was something I prayed for and longed for. I don't know if I was expecting too much, but nothing happened. Nothing.

I read my patriarchal blessing, and for the first time since receiving my blessing, I was discouraged by it. I wasn't given any glimpses into who I was before I came to earth, the veil didn't part for me, it seemed as though my prayer was going unanswered. I was jealous of my husband's blessing. I'm not proud of that, and maybe I shouldn't even admit it. The exact opposite of what I was hoping for happened. Instead of drawing me closer to Heavenly Father, I was questioning whether or not He even loved me. It wasn't long before I went to my husband and asked him whether or not God loved me. To him, this came out of nowhere and he didn't believe what I was asking. I know Heavenly Father loves me, but for those few weeks, the adversary was using this as a tool to poke at me, and I was having a difficult time feeling His love. Jon Mark affirmed what I already knew. And, I realized something, my whole life is evidence of God's love. Once I was thrown back into reality and allowed myself to feel His love again, I saw it all around me and realized again that when we don't feel His love it is because we withdraw, not Him. I realized His love again, and I was no longer allowing the adversary to tell me that my Heavenly Father didn't love me, but still, I was not receiving an answer to my prayer. I prayed and told Heavenly Father to teach me, that I wanted to learn. I came with faith, but as time passed, my faith that I would receive an answer was weakening.

I kind of gave up.

Today, Michelle and I were talking about revelation. It was one of those moments that as we were talking we could feel the influence of the Holy Ghost fill the room. One story after another, moment after moment, the spirit testified of truth regarding revelation. Michelle, perhaps unknowingly, needed to talk to me today about revelation. I shared my experience with her, and I told her that I had given up. She said that the desire I had was a righteous one, and it was influenced by an apostle of the Lord and that if he challenged us to act on that desire, then not only was it a righteous desire, but that the Lord would answer my prayer. She told me to take my time table out of the question, that sometimes prayers are answered after we have exhausted ourselves, but that we should never give up. She told me that perhaps I ought to tailor my scripture study to be about the pre-mortal life. She said that I should offer whatever faith I had and that the Lord would make up the difference (help Thou mine unbelief). I have had some wonderful moments of revelation recently. And, I realize that those moments come not necessarily when I am expecting them, rather when my mind is quiet and my faith is believing.

That's where I am at.