I've dealt with bouts of pretty bad insomnia off and on for the past 8 years or so. Sometimes I feel like I have it under control, and other times not so much.
My insomnia the last 3 or 4 months has been out of control. It's like my body has forgotten how to fall asleep. Most nights it takes me until 1:30 AM to fall asleep, and I go to bed at 11:00 PM. It is a lonely, boring, and frustrating time for me. I never know if I'll actually fall asleep, and trying to remain calm is difficult.
I have tried just about everything. I've done meditation, books, conference talks, sleep aides, cough syrup, benedryl, dr prescribed medication, melatonin, talking it out, literally everything I can think of. There is no magic pill. I have to fix my brain and my thoughts and that can feel helpless. Last night I finally fell asleep at 5 in the morning, just to wake up at 7 to get my kids off to school. Luckily, I am pretty high functioning and cheerful on little to no sleep, but it does affect me. I have tried not to talk about it too much with people (other than Jon Mark), and I know I need to make another dr appointment. Sometimes it is just easier to deal with if I don't dwell on it or think about it too much.
The other night, I gave as much of a heartfelt prayer that I could give. I poured my heart out and my tears to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him to allow me to place some of this burden on my Savior's shoulders because it felt too heavy and I didn't know how to carry it alone. I told Heavenly Father that I knew this life would have trials, and I wanted this trial to be for my good, that I would grow from it. I told Him that although nobody has died, and I don't have something like cancer, this is a big trial for me. Like all trials, I needed this one to bring me closer to my Savior and I needed my faith to grow. I asked Him to bless my unbelief and to take the faith that I did have and make it sufficient. I offered my whole heart. I concluded my prayer and felt more confident in my ability to handle this trial.
That night I slept ok. It took me awhile to fall asleep, but I did sleep. And then there was last night. It was awful. My body would not settle down. I was pacing the bathroom floor, trying not to cry, trying to remember how the Lord sits as a refiner and purifier of silver, ever present during the darkest nights, but I was instead feeling desperate and frustrated. In a moment of doubt, I said, "why aren't you helping me carry this burden? I prayed with so much faith."
There are some special moments in my life in which I knew that the spirit had responded to my thoughts very clearly, and last night I knew that the spirit was behind the thought that next entered my mind. In a very clear response, the Lord spoke to my mind and said, "I sent you your husband."
It didn't feel like a rebuke. It was just a sweet reassurance that He had heard my petitions and that He was aware of what I needed. I crawled in bed, and there was my husband, already awake, although I hadn't intentionally woken him up (this time ;)). He cradled me, he stroked my hair, he massaged my arms and comforted me. I didn't magically fall asleep, but I felt so close to Jon Mark. I felt so much gratitude for him. He has been my biggest source of strength in my life, aside from my Savior and Heavenly Father. He is always there, patiently helping me though any struggle or moment of sadness. He acts as a rock, always optomistic, always loving and long suffering. I hope that I am that for him also. My husband and I are one in joy, in heartache, in trial, in everything.
Love is expressed in many ways. Flowers and cards are nice, but that's not the strong and enduring love that's expressed deep in the nitty gritty. Mature love--love that grows and grows is a result of enduring trials alongside one another. Trials have a way of showing someone what they're made of. Strength that you didn't know was there is manifested. Together is always stronger. And, together with the Lord is strongest of all.
Love looks like putting on your work gloves and rolling up your sleeves and taking on the world together, one day at a time. It is a beautiful ride with my husband at my side. I love him. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ blessed me with such a wonderful man who is so good to me. I should not have doubted that the Lord is aware of me and makes it possible for me to see the good in my trials. The Lord is with me always. He is in the union of my marriage. He does help me carry my burden. And, sometimes, that carrying of my burden comes through earthly angels like my husband.
Wednesday, September 18, 2019
Friday, August 23, 2019
Father's blessings
Jon Mark gave us all blessings for the new year. I noticed that the kids were all blessed to be good examples and missionaries. That they'd be brave and kind, to love and serve their friends and bear testimony to them. This seemed to be a common theme amongst each blessing. It was a sweet experience. Jon Mark doesn't ever really remember what he says in the blessings, but I try to jot down a few notes right after. I find it interesting that Caleb has been given blessings all throughout his life with some similar phrases or themes. When he was given a name and a blessing as an infant, he was blessed that he would help his brothers and sisters be brave as the events of the second coming unfolded. He was blessed to have courage. In this most recent blessing, Jon Mark blessed him that he would be the lynch pin to our family, that he will help keep his siblings close in bonds of friendship and that they will look to him. I found that interesting. He is a special kid and we love that he is at the tail end of our family, it's a special and endearing place to be.
I was blessed with spiritual strength to overcome trials that present this year. I was blessed with physical strength to carry my burdens and to find joy in watching my children grow. I was told that that joy will penetrate me in ways that I've never felt before and that it will overpower me. I was blessed to be patient and long suffering to those I meet and my family, that I'll treat them with kindness and see them as Heavenly Father's children. And, finally, I was blessed to be a source of strength to my husband and to bear him up.
Lately, I have been very aware of how many blessings the Lord has given me. To say that my heart is full is an understatement. I felt, for a short time, that the adversary was using my blessings against me. Putting thoughts in my head that I was undeserving and that I'd never be able to reach my potential because I have been given so much so I surely must fall short. I came to the conclusion that I will fall short, and I do fall short. But, thankfully I have a Savior who can make up what I lack after all I can do. The Lord wants to bless us, even if we feel we are undeserving of all of the goodness that is given by His hand. He loves us and wants to bless our lives. He has truly blessed mine! I cannot begin to number my blessings. I want to live up to my potential and be as good as I can be.
I have been praying for missionary experiences and then one fell into my lap at Walmart. I was with my kids in the toy section and I called out their names. A lady stopped me and said that she also had named two of her kids Caleb and Hannah. She was pleased that I had named most of my kids after biblical figures. We had a short, pleasant conversation about it. I started to walk on my way when she stopped me and asked me if I was LDS. I told her that I was and she said that she was surprised when LDS people named their children bible names. I was then able to tell her that we did believe in the bible. And, that in fact, our Sunday Schools are studying the bible in depth this year. She seemed pleased and surprised. That's where the conversation ended, and I hope I said all that I needed to for that time, but at least she now knows that members of the Lord's restored church do believe in the bible. It happened at a great time because we had been talking in our family about how bearing testimony to others doesn't always have to be formal, but that our examples and interactions stand as a testimony of what we know to be true, if we let it. It was a great teaching opportunity.
I was blessed with spiritual strength to overcome trials that present this year. I was blessed with physical strength to carry my burdens and to find joy in watching my children grow. I was told that that joy will penetrate me in ways that I've never felt before and that it will overpower me. I was blessed to be patient and long suffering to those I meet and my family, that I'll treat them with kindness and see them as Heavenly Father's children. And, finally, I was blessed to be a source of strength to my husband and to bear him up.
Lately, I have been very aware of how many blessings the Lord has given me. To say that my heart is full is an understatement. I felt, for a short time, that the adversary was using my blessings against me. Putting thoughts in my head that I was undeserving and that I'd never be able to reach my potential because I have been given so much so I surely must fall short. I came to the conclusion that I will fall short, and I do fall short. But, thankfully I have a Savior who can make up what I lack after all I can do. The Lord wants to bless us, even if we feel we are undeserving of all of the goodness that is given by His hand. He loves us and wants to bless our lives. He has truly blessed mine! I cannot begin to number my blessings. I want to live up to my potential and be as good as I can be.
I have been praying for missionary experiences and then one fell into my lap at Walmart. I was with my kids in the toy section and I called out their names. A lady stopped me and said that she also had named two of her kids Caleb and Hannah. She was pleased that I had named most of my kids after biblical figures. We had a short, pleasant conversation about it. I started to walk on my way when she stopped me and asked me if I was LDS. I told her that I was and she said that she was surprised when LDS people named their children bible names. I was then able to tell her that we did believe in the bible. And, that in fact, our Sunday Schools are studying the bible in depth this year. She seemed pleased and surprised. That's where the conversation ended, and I hope I said all that I needed to for that time, but at least she now knows that members of the Lord's restored church do believe in the bible. It happened at a great time because we had been talking in our family about how bearing testimony to others doesn't always have to be formal, but that our examples and interactions stand as a testimony of what we know to be true, if we let it. It was a great teaching opportunity.
Kids
Joshua:
Joshua is on a camp out right now, with Jon Mark and the scouts. He goes once or twice with the Deacons quorum every month. I miss him. He likes to talk to me. He tells me about how he thinks things work. His latest fascination is flight. He likes trying to figure out how to make objects fly, like a toy tank taped to paper in different configurations. The kid has a mind for engineering. He gives me daily physics lessons, and a lot of times, he really is teaching me something I didn't know or hadn't thought much about. He's also helpful. He's tuned into my feelings, always has been. Today I have a sinus infection and I'm generally grumpy about it. When I picked all of the kids up from school, all six of them (Jazmine is included) talk my ear off and fight over whose turn it is to talk. A lot of times, this frustrates one or more of the kids and usually the drive home from school ends with at least one or two of them in tears. That's how it was today. I finally said, "I'm not feeling well, and my patience is not super great today. No more crying, please, or it's an early bedtime." The kids did not really clue in until Joshua said, "Guys, stop talking to mom right now. She doesn't feel good and when you're sick, it hurts to talk. Let's give her a break." Luke got mad at Joshua and said that he was butting into his business. Poor Joshua. I was thankful for the effort though.
Mercedes:
Mercedes is also on a camp out right now. I miss her too! She is always so bubbly and talkative these days. She really enjoys one on one time with me, and shopping. She likes it when it's just the two of us shopping. She's got a big heart and loves little children. She's at that age where she really wants to start babysitting but isn't quite old enough. She loves mothering her younger cousins, Lance, Jax and Daisy. Yesterday she had a surprise tooth extraction when we went to the dentist for a cleaning. Sometimes I worry when things get springed on her because she's one who needs her expectations managed. She was really really brave. She cried and little and squeezed my hand up next to her face for a moment, but when it came time for me to leave the room, she did great! I was so proud of her so we went to Walmart and I bought her some gel pens and a coloring book.
Luke:
At this very moment, Luke is playing so well with Hannah and Cub. They've been playing all evening together since the older siblings are away. I think he really likes being the oldest for a change. Hannah sure loves him and looks up to him. He does a good job looking after her as well. Luke has such a kind disposition. He rarely picks something out of the classroom treasure box for himself. He's always giving what he gets to Hannah. I remember the days when he'd take his own money to Costco and give it away to little kids younger then him. Well, it was Joshua's birthday last week. Luke picked a really cool Lego set out of the treasure box (a real Lego set, quite the treasure) and he wrapped it up and gave it to Joshua for his birthday. He recorded Joshua opening it, and Joshua was genuinely surprised by the niceness of the gift. The other day, Luke asked me if there was a class that taught you how to get the girls you like to like you back. Apparently, he went up to one of his crushes and told her that he had a crush on her. She wagged a finger at him and said, "Well, you'd better get that crush out of your body!" Ha Ha! Luke is a Casanova. He always has been. It scares me sometimes, but he's also a good kid. He is always turning on Sunday music. He tells me often how the spirit touches him.
Hannah:
Hannah wore high heels with her leotard the other day to speed camp. The sun cast a long legged shadow and I caught her strutting around watching her shadow. She's a vain little girl with big personality. She's so cute. She wants to marry her daddy and wants her husband to look and act exactly like him. She has her own style and makes up dances and songs in her head and is always dancing around the house. She says, "I'm stylin' ooh ooh ch ooh ooh ch!" She's doing well at school and I can hear her teachers voice whenever she says things that I know her teacher must be saying at school. She has Luke wrapped around her finger and sometimes she acts entitled to his niceness to her and she can take advantage of him. She does add a little sunshine wherever she goes, but like her older sister, sometimes the sunshine can turn to storm. If I had a few words to describe Hannah, it would be glitter, sparkle dancing girl.
Caleb:
Cubby is a funny child and I adore the time I have with him. He will suddenly and unexpectedly exclaim, "I love you, Mommy!" Or daddy sometimes. He has a new best friend named Cade (now that his older cousins are always at school). The other day he was having a hard time controlling his emotions. I kept getting on him about crying. He felt really bad. He doesn't like being spoken to sternly. He sincerely asked me if Santa was going to give him presents this year because he kept making mistakes. Oh, that made my heart melt and smile. He's so cute! He also went through a phase where he had to be called Cuddle Cub not Cuddle Bug. Sometimes he makes up new names for people and says, "Hey, hey! I've got a good name for you." Then, he gives a sneaky smile and says something like, "Stinky winky diaper pants!" Then he will laugh. I like calling him a trickster when he does sneaky things. He is so cute, but he can be a stinker. At night time, if I spend too much time tucking in a brother or a sister, he will dramatically fall out of bed so that he has to be tucked in again. There is a rule for only one tuck in, but sometimes I make an exception. His favorite thing to do is still fighting, "Let's fight, Dad!" as he clears a space to wrestle. I don't want him to grow up and go to kindergarten next year!
Joshua is on a camp out right now, with Jon Mark and the scouts. He goes once or twice with the Deacons quorum every month. I miss him. He likes to talk to me. He tells me about how he thinks things work. His latest fascination is flight. He likes trying to figure out how to make objects fly, like a toy tank taped to paper in different configurations. The kid has a mind for engineering. He gives me daily physics lessons, and a lot of times, he really is teaching me something I didn't know or hadn't thought much about. He's also helpful. He's tuned into my feelings, always has been. Today I have a sinus infection and I'm generally grumpy about it. When I picked all of the kids up from school, all six of them (Jazmine is included) talk my ear off and fight over whose turn it is to talk. A lot of times, this frustrates one or more of the kids and usually the drive home from school ends with at least one or two of them in tears. That's how it was today. I finally said, "I'm not feeling well, and my patience is not super great today. No more crying, please, or it's an early bedtime." The kids did not really clue in until Joshua said, "Guys, stop talking to mom right now. She doesn't feel good and when you're sick, it hurts to talk. Let's give her a break." Luke got mad at Joshua and said that he was butting into his business. Poor Joshua. I was thankful for the effort though.
Mercedes:
Mercedes is also on a camp out right now. I miss her too! She is always so bubbly and talkative these days. She really enjoys one on one time with me, and shopping. She likes it when it's just the two of us shopping. She's got a big heart and loves little children. She's at that age where she really wants to start babysitting but isn't quite old enough. She loves mothering her younger cousins, Lance, Jax and Daisy. Yesterday she had a surprise tooth extraction when we went to the dentist for a cleaning. Sometimes I worry when things get springed on her because she's one who needs her expectations managed. She was really really brave. She cried and little and squeezed my hand up next to her face for a moment, but when it came time for me to leave the room, she did great! I was so proud of her so we went to Walmart and I bought her some gel pens and a coloring book.
Luke:
At this very moment, Luke is playing so well with Hannah and Cub. They've been playing all evening together since the older siblings are away. I think he really likes being the oldest for a change. Hannah sure loves him and looks up to him. He does a good job looking after her as well. Luke has such a kind disposition. He rarely picks something out of the classroom treasure box for himself. He's always giving what he gets to Hannah. I remember the days when he'd take his own money to Costco and give it away to little kids younger then him. Well, it was Joshua's birthday last week. Luke picked a really cool Lego set out of the treasure box (a real Lego set, quite the treasure) and he wrapped it up and gave it to Joshua for his birthday. He recorded Joshua opening it, and Joshua was genuinely surprised by the niceness of the gift. The other day, Luke asked me if there was a class that taught you how to get the girls you like to like you back. Apparently, he went up to one of his crushes and told her that he had a crush on her. She wagged a finger at him and said, "Well, you'd better get that crush out of your body!" Ha Ha! Luke is a Casanova. He always has been. It scares me sometimes, but he's also a good kid. He is always turning on Sunday music. He tells me often how the spirit touches him.
Hannah:
Hannah wore high heels with her leotard the other day to speed camp. The sun cast a long legged shadow and I caught her strutting around watching her shadow. She's a vain little girl with big personality. She's so cute. She wants to marry her daddy and wants her husband to look and act exactly like him. She has her own style and makes up dances and songs in her head and is always dancing around the house. She says, "I'm stylin' ooh ooh ch ooh ooh ch!" She's doing well at school and I can hear her teachers voice whenever she says things that I know her teacher must be saying at school. She has Luke wrapped around her finger and sometimes she acts entitled to his niceness to her and she can take advantage of him. She does add a little sunshine wherever she goes, but like her older sister, sometimes the sunshine can turn to storm. If I had a few words to describe Hannah, it would be glitter, sparkle dancing girl.
Caleb:
Cubby is a funny child and I adore the time I have with him. He will suddenly and unexpectedly exclaim, "I love you, Mommy!" Or daddy sometimes. He has a new best friend named Cade (now that his older cousins are always at school). The other day he was having a hard time controlling his emotions. I kept getting on him about crying. He felt really bad. He doesn't like being spoken to sternly. He sincerely asked me if Santa was going to give him presents this year because he kept making mistakes. Oh, that made my heart melt and smile. He's so cute! He also went through a phase where he had to be called Cuddle Cub not Cuddle Bug. Sometimes he makes up new names for people and says, "Hey, hey! I've got a good name for you." Then, he gives a sneaky smile and says something like, "Stinky winky diaper pants!" Then he will laugh. I like calling him a trickster when he does sneaky things. He is so cute, but he can be a stinker. At night time, if I spend too much time tucking in a brother or a sister, he will dramatically fall out of bed so that he has to be tucked in again. There is a rule for only one tuck in, but sometimes I make an exception. His favorite thing to do is still fighting, "Let's fight, Dad!" as he clears a space to wrestle. I don't want him to grow up and go to kindergarten next year!
Tuesday, August 6, 2019
Summertime Fun!
Hannah, Luke, and Mercedes were very kind the other day and served me quite a bit. They wrote me love letters, made me stress balls, vacuumed, made my bed and mopped the floor. They were sweeties. Joshua reminded me that he often cleans the loft and bedrooms without being asked, and he is right! He does and it is awesome!
This little guy is learning to be potty trained at night time. Luke has also had success!!
New hairdo for Mer!
She turning into such a beautiful young woman!
Cubby doesn't get read to as much as the other kids. I need to do better. Jon Mark lovingly documented this because I know these moments are fleeting.
Luke's new hair cut.
Jon Mark looking so handsome I had to take a picture because I couldn't take my eyes off of him!
Cub had a special date with Jon Mark and I when my parents took all of the other kids to a play for their birthdays this year. They had a blast and told me all about it. Caleb had a blast too. He kept telling me that it was his special day all of the way until dark and he goes to sleep. He wanted us to take him to the beach and told us so rather matter of factly (he'd add "maybe yes?"). We took him to PF Changs and Krispy Kream donuts.
The first day of school brings about so many bittersweet emotions. I miss my kiddos, but routine and schedules are a breath of fresh air after a wild and crazy summer! I was grateful to get back into the swing of normal routines and not being asked a million times a day how I was going to entertain them. And, playing referree all day as well ;). But, these sweet, precious faces??? How can I part with them?!
Joshua caught a fish on his scouting camp out. He got tired of patiently waiting for fish to bite, so he took his pole to the edge where a lot of little fish were swimming and stuck the bait right there in front of them.
Cub jumping on the tramp in the heat with ice to cool it down. His little friend is Cade from church. He begged me to call and ask his mom to drop him off so they could play.
Summer with Cousins
Hannah wanted to show Papa Haws the blue tic tacs she discovered because he had never seen any. My parents always gave the kids tic tacs at church when we'd sit by them. We miss them being in our ward and we were thankful for the time we had together in the same ward.
She tried hard to save some for him, but she ate them all.
Jon Mark was so sick that he decided to bring a chair into the shower with him. He felt like the shower calmed the nausea.
Joshua loves football and wore his helmet to watch tv the other day.
Lindsay helped me hang all the ceiling fans in the house and the boys liked to help.
Jon Mark sent me a picture of his bicep to add to my missing him while he was at work. I sent him a picture of me just waking up to make him miss my face. LOL.
I'm not sure why we took this picture. I guess just to document my dad looking silly in a woman's hat.
Jon Mark took Mercedes and three of her cousins on a birthday date. Elena, Lilly, Mercedes, Meili and Jon Mark.
I'm also not sure what this picture is either of my father in law, Mark McAvoy.
Hannah likes dressing up.
Joshua and his friend, Troy on their fast offering route.
Jon Mark's birthday ;)
Hannah took some pictures of me.
First day in our new house.
Mercedes opening Jessica's gift.
Star Wars marathon and princess Leia hair.
We went to Uptown Jungle and Gravity a few times this summer.
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