Sleepless Nights

I've dealt with bouts of pretty bad insomnia off and on for the past 8 years or so. Sometimes I feel like I have it under control, and other times not so much.

My insomnia the last 3 or 4 months has been out of control. It's like my body has forgotten how to fall asleep. Most nights it takes me until 1:30 AM to fall asleep, and I go to bed at 11:00 PM. It is a lonely, boring, and frustrating time for me. I never know if I'll actually fall asleep, and trying to remain calm is difficult.

I have tried just about everything. I've done meditation, books, conference talks, sleep aides, cough syrup, benedryl, dr prescribed medication, melatonin, talking it out, literally everything I can think of. There is no magic pill. I have to fix my brain and my thoughts and that can feel helpless. Last night I finally fell asleep at 5 in the morning, just to wake up at 7 to get my kids off to school. Luckily, I am pretty high functioning and cheerful on little to no sleep, but it does affect me. I have tried not to talk about it too much with people (other than Jon Mark), and I know I need to make another dr appointment. Sometimes it is just easier to deal with if I don't dwell on it or think about it too much.

The other night, I gave as much of a heartfelt prayer that I could give. I poured my heart out and my tears to my Heavenly Father. I asked Him to allow me to place some of this burden on my Savior's shoulders because it felt too heavy and I didn't know how to carry it alone. I told Heavenly Father that I knew this life would have trials, and I wanted this trial to be for my good, that I would grow from it. I told Him that although nobody has died, and I don't have something like cancer, this is a big trial for me. Like all trials, I needed this one to bring me closer to my Savior and I needed my faith to grow. I asked Him to bless my unbelief and to take the faith that I did have and make it sufficient. I offered my whole heart. I concluded my prayer and felt more confident in my ability to handle this trial.

That night I slept ok. It took me awhile to fall asleep, but I did sleep. And then there was last night. It was awful. My body would not settle down. I was pacing the bathroom floor, trying not to cry, trying to remember how the Lord sits as a refiner and purifier of silver, ever present during the darkest nights, but I was instead feeling desperate and frustrated. In a moment of doubt, I said, "why aren't you helping me carry this burden? I prayed with so much faith."

There are some special moments in my life in which I knew that the spirit had responded to my thoughts very clearly, and last night I knew that the spirit was behind the thought that next entered my mind. In a very clear response, the Lord spoke to my mind and said, "I sent you your husband."

It didn't feel like a rebuke. It was just a sweet reassurance that He had heard my petitions and that He was aware of what I needed. I crawled in bed, and there was my husband, already awake, although I hadn't intentionally woken him up (this time ;)). He cradled me, he stroked my hair, he massaged my arms and comforted me. I didn't magically fall asleep, but I felt so close to Jon Mark. I felt so much gratitude for him. He has been my biggest source of strength in my life, aside from my Savior and Heavenly Father. He is always there, patiently helping me though any struggle or moment of sadness. He acts as a rock, always optomistic, always loving and long suffering. I hope that I am that for him also. My husband and I are one in joy, in heartache, in trial, in everything.

Love is expressed in many ways. Flowers and cards are nice, but that's not the strong and enduring love that's expressed deep in the nitty gritty. Mature love--love that grows and grows is a result of enduring trials alongside one another. Trials have a way of showing someone what they're made of. Strength that you didn't know was there is manifested. Together is always stronger. And, together with the Lord is strongest of all.

Love looks like putting on your work gloves and rolling up your sleeves and taking on the world together, one day at a time. It is a beautiful ride with my husband at my side. I love him. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ blessed me with such a wonderful man who is so good to me. I should not have doubted that the Lord is aware of me and makes it possible for me to see the good in my trials. The Lord is with me always. He is in the union of my marriage. He does help me carry my burden. And, sometimes, that carrying of my burden comes through earthly angels like my husband.