The past few weeks have been hard for me as a mom. I am transitioning away from being a mom to young kids and babies, to a middle-aged mom with teens, pre-teens, older kids and a five year old (who very much thinks he is an older kid). It's been rough trying to successfully go through this transition in the midst of crisis schooling, a pandemic, civil unrest, a toilet paper shortage, and natural disasters. My blessings remain great, even in the year 2020. I have so many blessings, privilege, and my life is truly a life that is better than one I could have dreamed up for myself. As a result, as I type this, I feel guilty for even suggesting that it has been in any way hard.
My blessed life should make it nearly impossible for me to have a bad day, let alone a period of struggle. My kids are healthy, happy, and wonderful. My marriage is the best that it could be. My extended family offers a village of support and love. My home has a dance loft and a large back yard for play. My husband provides for us so that I can stay home and guide my children in a refreshed and happy state of mind. The gospel shines brightly in my life and is full of resources to assist me. My ward is full of friends. The list goes on. I am full of gratitude. So, when I say that this transition has been a little bit difficult, keep in mind that perhaps I am as that child who scrapes her knee and screams as though her leg had been amputated--just because she has yet to experience deep and abiding pain.
Having said all of that, we can get on to the why I titled this post the way I did.
My afternoons are busy. I am making dinner, helping with homework, helping the kids get ready for dance, cheer, or football. I'm driving them all over town. It is really busy. Homework, and cranky children make it difficult to keep my stress levels down. I'm naturally a very patient person, and I am the definition of a "fluffy" parent, so losing my temper is just not really in my nature and has not ever really been my struggle. What I struggle with is not feeling exasperated. I don't want to be the parent that is always sighing and brushing the kids struggles aside because it is too hard, or too tiring to think through. I want to be wise enough to pause and teach them in those moments. Usually, those moments happen when my children are arguing with each other, or are especially tired and are acting out because they are tired. Sometimes I feel entirely inadequate to raise these special spirits in today's tumultuous world. Satan has been using my feelings of inadequacies to poke at me.
I've weighed myself down with thoughts of, "my kids are only going to remember a tired mom", or, "why don't I think to teach them in those hard moments? It's because I am a bad mom." I know that these thoughts aren't true, I know that I am doing my best to be a really good mom. I know that I have good moments and some less-than-perfect moments, but doesn't everyone? The point should be that I am putting forth my best effort and I can trust that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will make up the difference. I know this, and yet, it's still hard to remember that I know this. I've been praying that the Lord will help me take a moment to pause and think my way through the situation so that I will be able to successfully teach my children the way that the Savior would. I've had a few really good teaching moments as a result. I'll share one.
A couple of days ago, Mercedes really got into a heated argument with Evelyn. I heard loud yelling and screaming and tears. I came outside to see what the fuss was about. I decided a few weeks ago that I needed a catch phrase that I could automatically say when faced with difficult parenting moments. The idea behind using the phrase was that it would buy me some time to think through the situation at hand, and try to problem solve the way that the Savior would. I needed something that would help me cue into my goal of not just shrugging the problem away. When I saw how upset Mercedes and Evelyn were, I said my phrase, "let's pause, take a deep breath, let's do the next right thing." So, we all paused and took a deep breath. Then, I asked, "okay, now what is the next right thing? First shouldn't we try to figure out calmly what the problem is?" I then had both girls tell me their side of the story.
Apparently, Mercedes had planned an art project that she thought was really neat. It involved painting with water colors on envelopes. She wanted to teach them how to do an ombre style paint job, using only 4 colors that were in the same color family. Evelyn wanted to do her own thing. I turned to Mercedes and basically said that I could see that she was feeling some strong emotions and that she was upset because she had planned something really fun, but Evelyn didn't want to follow her directions and so perhaps she had hurt Mercedes feelings. We talked about how when we force someone to do our will it kind of loses value, it's not really allowing the other person to show us love with their own volition. I related it back to the gospel and how Heavenly Father gave us agency because not only was it the only way for us to grow and progress, but also because agency allows us to use our will to show Heavenly Father that we love Him by choosing to keep His commandments and serve Him. I told Mercedes that by forcing Evelyn to do what she wants her to do, Evelyn isn't happy and therefore Mercedes isn't happy. The desired outcome of doing the project together is then frustrated. Mercedes seemed to understand, so then I turned to Evelyn.
I told Evelyn that I could see that she also felt very strongly about wanting to do the art project her own way. I asked her if she could think of a compromise. She eventually admitted that she could do the art project following Mercedes instructions to show Mercedes that she loved her, and then maybe she could make another envelope her own way. I asked both of them if they trusted Jesus. They said that they did. I asked them, "if Jesus said something multiple times in the scriptures, do you think it meant that it was something important and we should listen?" They said that they would listen. I told them, "Jesus said that blessed are the peacemakers. Why would He say that? What even is a peacemaker?" Mercedes told me that a peacemaker was someone who didn't want to fight and didn't want to make someone sad. I said, "Well, why do you think Jesus would tell us blessed are the peacemakers?" Evelyn finally came around to answering that Jesus must know that being a peacemaker would help us return to Heaven to be with Him again. The two girls decided on a compromise, felt the spirit, and left that situation feeling how the gospel relates to their own lives.
I was so thankful that the Spirit helped me teach them. I may still be the kid with a scraped knee crying out because I stumbled, but our Savior is that loving parent--who, does in fact know and understand the deeper pain that will eventually come-- who picks up the child, brushes her off and helps her stand on her own two feet again, and again, and again...
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