I feel like I have recorded this somewhere, or at least portions of it, but I can't find it anywhere... So, for the sake of time, and my sanity, I'll just rerecord :)
Several months ago, in fact, I'd say a few years ago, I was listening to a talk given by our now prophet, President Nelson. He was speaking to the young single adults, but I figured that whatever he had to say should apply to me as well.
He was encouraging them. He challenged them to pray to know who they are, who they were before they came to earth, and what their potential is. He said that once they knew who they really were and all that they were capable of, their lives would be forever changed. They would understand their life's mission. They'd have a clearer picture of the eternities. I figured that this sounded like something I wanted to do for myself. It was a righteous desire, so I pressed forward with strong faith that my prayers would be answered. The first place I went to find out who I was before coming to earth was my patriarchal blessing. This blessing has brought me years of guidance and warmth, but this time however, I felt discouraged. After reading my blessing, I felt a lot of feelings, none of which were super positive. It was as if the adversary was using something sacred and personal to me to poke at me and I began to question whether or not Heavenly Father even knew me. This was not was I had been hoping for. I put my blessing on a mental shelf and figured that I'd pray to know who I was through other resources like prayer and scripture study.
This went on for several months. I felt discouraged. I live and walk by faith, so my testimony was never faltering, but I was feeling discouraged about it. I shared my thoughts with Michelle. She challenged me to not give up. She specifically told me to not put my own timetable on when my prayers ought to be answered. I thought that that was good advice. With a new sense of faith and a new attitude, I decided to continue to pray and just trust in the Lord's timing, not my own. That night, I cried to my Heavenly Father. I literally poured out my heart and all of my emotions that I had been feeling. I said the words, "I am ready to be taught, I am ready to learn". That sentence is important.
A few weeks later, Lisa Martin stopped me at church. The kids were all clamoring around me and I wasn't really paying attention to our conversation. She had told me that she had a book that she really wanted to share with me. She said that she felt like I would benefit from reading it. I nodded politely, but at this point I wasn't really engaged. But, then she said to me, "Ralae, I felt impressed by the Holy Ghost that Heavenly Father knows you're ready to be taught, He feels you are ready to learn." Now she had my attention. I knew that those words weren't a coincidence, but that Heavenly Father was trying to get me to pay attention to this very direct answer to prayer. Through Lisa, the Holy Ghost was able to communicate with me using the same sentence that I had used in my very emotional prayer. Needless to say, I went that very day to my in laws house and borrowed the book she had told me about. It was Talmage's Articles of Faith. That book started me on a faith-filled journey of self-discovery. There were months and months of praying, months of reading books and pouring over talks and many scriptures. Baby step after baby step, one thing led to another, and finally the road led me to the term Spiritual Gifts. The spirit communicated with me that my spiritual gifts were the key to unlocking my eternal identity. My spiritual gifts are unique to me, they have been apart of me throughout eternity, and if I use them and magnify them, my spiritual gifts will help me fulfill my life's mission and reach my potential. After all, isn't that the very thing I had been desiring all along?
Now that my prayers had more direction, I began to search out my talents and gifts. This is a fun discovery process! I tried to use my gifts to serve my Savior each and every day. And, at the end of every day, I would self-reflect on how I had done with serving Him. I came to realize that the challenge given by President Nelson was a life-long challenge for me. To know who I was before I came to earth, was perhaps a journey of puzzle pieces. As I search and study, I collect these puzzle pieces. It's my goal that as my mortal life comes to a close, the picture will be more complete.
Back to the patriarchal blessing portion of this entry.
So, I had some really amazing spiritual experiences along my prayer journey. However, the original source that I went to, my blessing, I still carried some of those negative feelings with me. I cried whenever I expressed those feelings to those I trusted with them. It was time to revisit that part of the equation. I spoke with a very wise and kind couple in my ward. He is the stake patriarch and his wife is so kind. I look up to the both of them and admire their wisdom, so when I decided to take my patriarchal blessing down from my imaginary shelf, I talked to them. After having done so, later that evening I read my blessing alongside my wonderful husband. It was a really insightful evening. We talked about it, I asked for his take on things.
One of things that bothered me about my blessing was how generic some of the words were. The word "things" is there in places, and there is a lot of council that is really good council, but it seemed as though it was good council for everybody. So, what was specific to me? Did Heavenly Father know me? Did He love me? As I write that, it seems so silly now. Of course He does! I feel it so strongly, I always have. As I reread my blessing alongside my husband, a few items stood out to us. The first is, I was very young when I received my blessing. I was 13. Some of the language that is used, even the word "things" seems to be a protection for me, for my innocence. It's language that is meant for a 13 year old.
The second item that I felt impressed upon my thoughts by the Spirit was this, there aren't many warnings spelled out for me because I didn't need warnings. One of my spiritual gifts is walking by faith. It is not difficult for me to do those small things that keep me on the right path. I read my scriptures, I pray, I have a testimony of the gospel and a deep relationship with my Savior. I walk in faith. I set enough boundaries for myself, it was not difficult for me to resist peer pressure. One of the only warnings in there is to be careful of what I see and hear. I have found this to be such a guiding light in my life. I can't easily shake bad media, it stays with me. So, when I am careful about what I see and hear, my spirit is not offended.
The third item is the amount of wonderful, great, awesome blessings that are promised to me. As I read about all of the wonderful blessings that the Lord has in store for me (many of which have already come to pass) I felt such an outpouring of love from my Father in Heaven. Most of my patriarchal blessing is blessings. I am blessed so much.
Fourth item: The interesting thing is that the answer that I sought way back in the beginning of this post was there all along. I was reading my scriptures the other night and I was pondering about spiritual gifts. For some reason, this part of my blessing never stood out to me before, but all of a sudden it rushed over me as I sat pondering. My mind was quiet and ready to learn. It was like a sunrise. The light started slowly and then grew to envelop my mind and spirit. In my blessing it says that I chose to come to earth at this time, I wanted to come to the earth when the gospel had been restored, a time in which so much wickedness was on this earth because I wanted to proclaim the gospel to the Lord's children and I wanted to help my Father accomplish much at this time. I wanted to help His children feel His love. I would proclaim to many that Heavenly Father loves them.
So, who was I before I came to this earth? I was a valiant soldier in the Lord's army. I was a missionary. I loved Him and wanted others to know Him. I loved my brothers and sisters enough to come to this earth when it was in so much commotion because I wanted to help them return to their Heavenly home. That's who I am. I also discovered that Heavenly Father must trust me. He trusted me to pick the time in which I was to live. He had confidence in me. He knew that I would walk by faith and search for Him in my every day moments. He knew that I would seek out spiritual experiences. He loves me. He loves me, and I am a valiant soldier in the Lord's army.
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