Parenting the Christlike Way

 

I heard an analogy once that I thought was insightful. It gave a positive spin on teenage rebellion. Teenage rebellion is not something that I have personally dealt with (at least not yet), but I liked the analogy enough that I wanted to record it along with some other thoughts. Most of these thoughts were taught to me as I listened to an All In podcast that had parenting advice from Justin Coulson. It went something like this:

When you ride a roller coaster the first thing anyone does is click into the harness. You hear the click, click, click, click as it pulls down over the shoulders. Feeling more secure but wanting assurance that the harness will do what it is meant to do, intuitively, you push up on it to make sure that the bar is tight and reliable. It is a boundary that is meant to keep you safe and help you to be able to enjoy the ride without fear of falling loose.

In this analogy, good, consistent parenting with clear standards and expectations make up the harness, it is the boundary that helps our children stay safely on the path that leads to a covenant-filled life. As parents, we know that if boundaries stay intact, that child will be able to enjoy a righteous, virtue-filled life more fully. At times, the child will push on the harness and test out its strength. They push as if to test whether you care enough to hold the harness intact and that you will not let them fall.

Good parenting focuses on developing Christ-like attributes, and those Christlike attributes permeate into everything we do as a parent. While on the earth, Christ was full of compassion towards those who made mistakes. We know then, the Heavenly Father, being the perfect parent, deals compassionately unto His wayward children. John 5:19, “Then answered Jesus and said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever He doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise.” The scriptures are full of examples of when Jesus showed compassion and empathy to those who sinned. He learned those traits from His Father.

So, when dealing with our own children who may be testing boundaries and who may be using their agency to choose poor choices, how can we help them? We hold strong to our standards, but we offer compassion and love to them freely.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland said, “…If those children are unresponsive, maybe you can’t teach them yet, but you can love them. And, if you love them today, maybe you can teach them tomorrow.”

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, “Kindness is the essence of a celestial life. Kindness is how a Christlike person treats others. Kindness should permeate all of our words, and actions at work, at school, at church and especially in our homes.” … “But,” you ask, “what if people are rude?” Love them. “If they are obnoxious?” Love them. “But what if they offend? Surely I must do something then?” Love them. “Wayward?” The answer is the same. Be kind. Love them.”

In the All In podcast featuring Justin Coulson, he explains, “Sometimes in our angry moments, or in our tired moments, or, let’s be honest, in our selfish moments, we might be less loving than we could be towards our children. Sometimes we feel inclined to hurt rather than to help, or … we’re neutral or ambivalent, or we shrug our shoulders and say ‘Whatever’. But He doesn’t. The scriptures tell us again and again, His hand, His arm is stretched out still.”

So, how do we follow the Savior’s example if your child has left the church or is struggling with their faith? What is the balance between giving your child room to use his or her agency while showing your love for them? You exemplify Christlike attributes and you be the best disciple of Jesus Christ that you know how to be. You cling to your covenants and trust in the Priesthood power that binds and seals those covenants. You do all that is in your power to do, you seek for revelation and you pour out your heart in prayer and then you sit back and trust in the Lord to do His part. D & C 123:17, “Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed.”

Mourning with those who mourn, and comforting those who stand in need of comfort is a covenant we made at baptism and it applies to mourning and comforting alongside of our children as we parent them.

One final thought is this. Heavenly Father respects the gift of agency. He understands that it is by agency that we can learn and grow. This whole world is a spiritual weight room designed to break us down only to build us up stronger if we turn to Him. Struggle is not only part of the plan, it is the plan. Our mortal experience is full of trials, heartaches, and loss, as we constantly strive to overcome our weaknesses. Some trials come by happenstance and some by our own agency. But Heavenly Father will never force us to choose the right path that leads back to Him. He loves us too much to do so. He will entice and encourage, but we must choose Him for ourselves. And He will stand with outstretched arms full of compassion waiting for us to run to Him. We can follow that example too.