Just Checking In

I wanted to just check in.

Some things that I want to remember:

--I want to remember the sweet and tender pillow talk that I get to experience with Jon Mark on weekend mornings. Our kids think we sleep in really late. The truth is, we stay in bed talking and laughing, in intimate husband and wife moments that I am so glad are only meant for me. He's one of a kind and my kind of perfect. Our marriage will hit the milestone of 15 years this June. It's been a sweet ride so far. I don't feel like I should be as old as I am, but if I'm getting older, I'm glad I get to get older with him. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 5:19 am (or at least that's the last time I looked at the clock). I tried really hard this time to not wake him up, but when I get to that point of complete frustration where the tears start to flow, then all I want to do is wake him up to spend time with him, to have him remind me that I am not alone, and to hear the way he adds humor to the situation. I snuggle up next to him and I seem to fit perfectly below his chin along the curve of his body. I listen to his breathing and his heartbeat and eventually I fall asleep, even if it is only for a couple of hours. The Lord always blesses me with the energy and the patience that I need to get through the day. (As a side note, I should add that I have been on a really long "good cycle" with my sleep). Jon Mark gives so much to me that honestly I can't write it all here. Those moments are meant for just the two of us and it should suffice the reader to know that my marriage is a good one. It's a strong one. It's not fragile or weak. Our marriage is happy and fulfilling, full of all the good stuff that a marriage should be full of. My husband is a strength to me. I love him.

--I want to remember the orneriness of my eldest son as he approaches teenage hood. He is testing his wings and pulling away from me. But no matter how much he pulls away, he always comes back to me with unexpected hugs. Every night he still says, "I love and appreciate you" and he keeps saying it until he hears the same thing from Jon Mark and I to him. He has a way of laughing at small things and not letting most things worry him to much. However, the other day he was very worried and frustrated about his grades. I found him sobbing in his room into his pillow (not like him at all), it had worried Mercedes. I climbed onto his bunk bed and sat next to him, remembering all of the times I used to tuck him in. I'd have to stand on my tippy toes on the bed beneath his just to reach him. Sometimes I would climb up next to him and cuddle him and sing to him. I can't even remember the last time I did that. So, although he was crying, if I pushed back his beautiful blonde hair off of his forehead, I could still see my little boy. Although not quite so little, he was laying there feeling vulnerable and frustrated. He needed me at that moment. It occurred to me then, that while he may not need so much of his physical needs met from me anymore, he has even more need for me to listen to him and guide him along the sidelines as he finds his place this world. So I did. He's turning into such a great young man, a leader, a goofball, a friend, and a valiant soldier in the Lord's army. 

--I want to remember how Mercedes always seems to find her way into the kitchen to help me cook. I want to remember how she generally smiles through the sass and is quick to forgive. She's turning into a young woman but still thrives on one on one time together. She likes to talk, and I hope I'm not always brushing her aside, but sometimes that girl can talk and talk and talk. The other day she asked to talk to me. I said, "about what?" She said anything and everything. She likes physical contact during family movie time. She loves her dad. She's such a great student that I think I take for granted just how responsible she is. I hope she knows how much I love her. Sometimes I worry that I am not balancing the corrections ("Mercedes, tone...") with the positive deposits into her emotional bank account. I guess that's what motherhood is about. It's waking up each day and pleading with the Lord that He guides my efforts, grants me patience to get through the day, it's trying my best and praying that it's enough. She is such a sweet girl who thrives of quality time. She is growing up so fast that I can hardly see it with my eyes, until one day I look at her and see that she is changing. If only time could freeze for a moment and that time would give me back my messy-haired, cherub, angel-faced little girl who said things like, "today I get my tookie" as she wandered around the house in mis-matched clothes carrying her blanket in one hand and her baby doll in the other. That little girl had a stubbornness about her that was so fiery, and yet her heart was so tender it could break. That little girl would declare out of the blue that she wasn't tired and then fall asleep two seconds later. I remember watching her sleep, her face framed by her yellow, blonde curls, and thinking that she looked so beautiful. I miss her sometimes, but watching Mercedes grow into a mature young lady has been a delight. 

--I want to remember how Luke put Hannah up to decorating the upstairs for Mercedes and had a sign that said, "My life would be lost without you in it" or something along those lines. Mercedes didn't want to go upstairs (she didn't know what they had done for her), and she kind of got mad at them every time they tried to get her to go upstairs. So, she got put in time-out until she was ready to be a kind sister and go with her younger brother and sister up the stairs. She was so happy when she saw what they had done for her. She went on their treasure hunt and at the end of it, Luke had given her a dollar. It was sweet. Luke has a big heart. He's also a Casanova. He really wanted a Valentine this year. We made sure he knew that having a Valentine didn't mean that he had a girlfriend and that it was just something fun to do. We were not prepared for what he did. He selected his favorite Valentine to give to a girl named Alley. Then, at the end of the day, he asked her if she would be his Valentine. Another boy also liked this girl and asked her to be his Valentine too. Luke told me after school, "don't worry mom, I know how to convince girls that I am the better choice. I sweetened the deal with candy. She chose me." The girl gave him her address and said that they could be pen pals. He came home right then and wrote her a letter that read, "Alley, I love you because you are nice to others and you are smart. If I was older, I would want to be a boyfriend to you, but I can't because we are too young." I didn't let him send that one. We had a talk and he reworded it to be a little less lovey-dovey. He did, however, make her a book mark that had a charm on it that said "you and me" and he told me that that was a huge hint that he liked her. Luke loves me, he always remembers me and wants to make sure I am safe and taken care of. He's such a sweet boy. I want to remember that he always remembers to kiss me, no matter what.

--I want to remember the way Hannah dances to everything. I know that I write about that a lot. But, it is so Hannah when she dances. She lights up, really feels the music, and dances her feelings. I love it so much! I haven't seen anyone love to dance more than she does. I want to remember how her big blue eyes light up when she laughs. Hannah is a tease, and sometimes she whines too much, but for the most part she is a happy little girl. Like her sister, she likes to help in the kitchen. She stirs and pours, she isn't quite as independent as Mercedes, but she'd like to be. Sometimes I worry that I don't give her enough attention aside from practicing dance with her, so it's not surprising that she's been my little shadow recently. I'm afraid it's just a stage that she will out grow. And, I know that she should out grow it to some extent. She's meant to do great things without me, and yet I'll be so sad when she stops thinking that I am the coolest person out there. Perhaps I'll be able to hold onto some of my cool status in her eyes. Hannah makes friends easily and loves school. She loves to send her teacher pictures through email. She's smart and follows in her older sister's footprints of being a good student. She loves fashion and is quite good at putting an outfit together. She loves her boots and her reflection ;) My sweet, sweet Hannah. Oh, how I love you! You bring so much joy and sunshine and delight to my life. I miss you when you aren't around, I hope you'll always want to be my shadow, but don't stay there, you were meant to shine.

--I want to remember Caleb coming down the stairs this morning and saying, "am I starting kindergarten today? I'm five now." Yes, he is five now and he lets us know it. He got some Legos for his birthday and wanted Jessica to help him build it. She wasn't working fast enough, and with a task master demeanor he pointed at her and commanded, "build!" He loves to be big. He let's us know that he is no longer little. Today, at Cade's house, he and Cade escaped and went into a neighbor's back yard. When Cade's mom found them, she asked them whether or not they should have known better. He hung his head and said, "yes, I am five now, I should have known better." He's also noticed that Jessica's chest is a lot bigger than mine. He was sitting on my lap yesterday and said that Jessica has "those" out to here (he held his hands cupped hands far away from his chest). He said that mine were much smaller and put his cupped hands closer to his chest "like this big" he said. Then, he paused and scrunched his nose and said, "Actually, actually they are this big" and he pressed both of his cupped hands onto his chest inferring that I was rather flat chested. LOL. He's scared to be more than two feet away from me when no one else is home. I reminded him that in his blessing as a newborn, Jon Mark had blessed him with courage and that as the events of the second coming draw near, he'd help his older brothers and sisters be brave. That gave him a bit of courage. His newest thing to say is, "why do brudders and sisters get all da fun and I get no things that are fun." Or, "why do brudders and sisters get all the things and I get none of the things. My toys are this big and they're toys are a lot bigger than mine." He is the perfect caboose to our family and I am going to miss him like crazy next year.

--I want to remember all of the chapters of my adult life: the newly married chapter that taught me how to love romantically, how to communicate my feelings, how to let go and be kind. The chapter of new motherhood that taught me how to give of myself so completely and tenderly. The chapter of having multiple little children; that chapter taught me even more about giving and self-sacrifice, there was so much selfless sacrifice and I would not ever change those sacred moments. The chapter of young children--school-age children mixed with newborns that taught me to remember to choose fun and excitement when possible. The passage of time seemed real in this chapter, as it had slowed enough for me to see my children literally growing before my watching eyes. I want to remember the chapter of having only one of my children home with me, my days revolving around him, and this chapter is winding to a close. This is the final chapter of mothering a young child. Once this chapter closes, a whole new set of chapters await me, and they feel so foreign and different. I have a lot of thoughts swirling about inside my mind. I've written about them all before. The firsts of the lasts. I don't have the energy to write them right now. It feels too tender to describe. Next year, I'll be working outside the home, all of my children will be in school. I'm not quite ready to think that far ahead, about what that will be like, so that is a post for another day. Today, I think I'll just sit and enjoy the few months of this chapter that I have left. Today I think I'll just remember to remember.